This is two messages in about as many hours asking him about this. Mako heaves a small sigh, audible as crackling over the line. ] Obviously I need to talk to Raleigh.
Yes. I was murdered. I don't see what difference it makes. You know I died.
But the end result is the same: you're dead. I don't see why it matters, Wu. I'm back, aren't I? So it's fine.
[ This is his logic, anyway, because it's easier than acknowledging how much it sucked to die alone in dark, cold water. ] I don't know what you're getting at here.
I can learn not to be an idiot about where I go, alone.
[ But Mako sighs a second later, letting his head drop unseen against his bed. ] I know what you're trying to say, believe me. I've gotten this from at least four people. What I feel about what happened doesn't matter. What does is the reminded that I can't... let this place get the best of me. I should've been smarter. I wasn't, and there were consequences.
'S why you really need those self defense lessons.
I don't think that's the lesson here at all. [ Wu tries to say it gently, but it comes out with more of a bite. ] I don't know why you're blaming yourself for this? If someone chose to hurt you, that isn't your fault. If it was a random act, like Raleigh says you told him, then it's not your fault.
Be all stubborn and self-effacing as you want, Mako, that doesn't change the fact that this happened to you. It's awful, and I don't want you to have to do it alone. I know you have a lot of friends here, and maybe they're better friends to you than I am, but if you need me, or even if you want me, I'm here and I'll listen or, or I'll just watch stupid videos with you or something.
I guess what I'm saying is that I love you and I care about you, and this seems like a really big thing that you specifically avoided telling me. [ And maybe that hurts a little? But Wu tries not to let Mako's words, or lack thereof hurt him. Sometimes (rarely) he succeeds ]
I am learning how to fight, thank you very much. A fine young knight named Fern said he would teach me.
He takes it in, quiet, focusing on his own (slightly rasping) breath and the earnestness in Wu's words. That he wants to be there, for some reason. That he wants to help. Mako can't think of why: it was explicitly Mako's job to help Wu for three years, not the other way around. What Wu wants out of this—why he's offering, what he's getting—Mako can't fathom. Maybe it will come to him later.
I love you, he says, has said before, a few times, and Mako gets a little bit stuck on the words every time. Wu is the kind of person, he thinks, who just says them. He's effusive, and he shares things about himself with no thoughts, half the time. It's like Bolin, I love you tripping off his lips without a care.
Mako shouldn't get stuck on them like this, but he does. He always does.
His throat, oddly, is a bit tight by the time he tries to speak. He has to clear it, staring at the ground between his own knees, frowning to himself with the Fluid pressed to his ear. ]
I didn't want to tell anyone.
[ He hadn't meant to say that, really, but there it is. Mako makes a frustrated little sound, lifting his head to glare at the wall, instead. ] Are you at your house? I don't want to—I hate these things. Sometimes.
Yeah, I'm here. You want to come over? [ That might be harder, but if Mako wants that, Wu isn't going to tell him no. ] I even got a fire built and everything. [ It just took him about an hour to do it. ]
[ He pushes himself up in a rustle of clothes and fabric, groaning a bit. Like a grandpa. He really, really can't wait to be over this sickness. The Fluid switches off a moment later.
It takes him a little while, and his head is a strange combination of repeating Wu's words over and over again and otherwise empty as he walks over, crunching across the snow to knock on Wu's door. Wu wants to watch stupid videos. Wu wishes Mako had told him that he was murdered.
He doesn't get it, but they're clearly not done talking, and Wu probably won't leave it alone until Mako tells him more about it, so. ]
[ Wu may or may not have been sitting on the stairs in the foyer, waiting for him. He's reading something on his Fluid, but jerks up the second he hears the knock.
He trots over and pulls open the door with a small smile. ] Mako! Hey, buddy. How are you doing?
Exactly the same as when I stopped talking to you two minutes ago.
[ Mako hesitates for a second before stepping forward, out of the cold. He definitely looks better. Not best, but better. Better, at least, than when Wu first woke up.
And he isn't entirely sure of the etiquette here. He's in Wu's house, but they're not at the small-talk phase, and they were kind of in the middle of a conversation before Mako interrupted it to come over here.
He pauses, and then says, shutting the door. ] Like I said. It wasn't just you. I didn't want to tell anyone.
Right. [ Wu laughs awkwardly. He takes a step back and waves for Mako to follow him in the sitting room by the foyer. That's where Wu managed to build a fire. ]
Okay. That... that's not really better. But why didn't you want to tell anyone?
[ Mako cuts himself off with a frustrated noise, especially since the fire in the room he just walked into flared up as soon as he walked into it. Nope. Control those emotions. He can't let that keep happening. ]
It is better. It wasn't like I specifically didn't tell you, I just. Didn't think it was relevant, or important, and I wasn't about to broadcast to everybody that I was basically a sitting gooseduck.
[ Wu yelps at the flare of the fire, jumping back toward Mako. ] Oookay. Maybe we don't go near the fire. We can go to one of the other, colder rooms.
[ He turns on his heel and walks the other way out of the sitting room ] Everyone seems to have found out anyway. They're a nosy bunch, aren't they?
[ He lets out a breath, and turns around to look at Mako, walking backwards ] It just seems like a key piece of information, and it's not like I'm going to threaten you, Mako! As you love reminding me, I'm completely incapable of hurting anyone.
[ Mako's cheeks are burning. Slightly from fever and slightly from embarrassment: the last time he lost control like that, in such a tiny way, was when he first got here, when his bending was barely his own.
He's supposed to be better than this, and it stings, watching Wu flinch and retreat.
Still. He follows, mute for a moment, turning the words over in his head. ]
Very nosy, and I don't see why everyone's so torn up about it. It happened. Them bringing me soup and asking how I feel isn't going to change the fact that it happened.
[ Wu's shoulders are so thin. The thought comes out of nowhere, and disappears a moment later, leaving Mako frowning at him as he walks. ] I don't think you're a threat, but you have to see that it's stupid to just let everyone know how weak you are. These symptoms are public knowledge. It'd be easy to take advantage of.
A lot of people seem to know you're sick anyway. [ Wu points out with a frown. He watches Mako's face as he flips on the lights in yet another sitting room, this one noticeably colder, and drops down onto a couch. ]
You can't change the fact that it happened, but you must have some sort of feeling about it, right? You're not the emotionless automaton you like to pretend you are. I've seen you have emotions, Mako. Everyone has them! I know if I had been murdered and came back to life, I would be pretty torn up about it. I was from when I was kidnapped, and you saved me, then!
[ They do, and Mako's kind of annoyed about that. He tried to only tell the people who really wouldn't leave well enough alone, but it seems like a lot of people found out anyway, despite his efforts.
It is a mistake he will not be repeating, he tells himself, following Wu into the room. It really is cold in this massive house. It prickles along his skin, too-sensitive from the fever, and retreats only slightly when he sighs and sits down heavily beside Wu.
The carpet in here is just as ornate as the rest of the house. Mako spends a moment just staring at it, watching the swirls of color and tasting salt and ozone in his own mouth all over again.
The silence is heavy, settling, and Mako sucks in a small breath and makes a mistake: he looks up at Wu.
Sees the concern on his face and flinches, a little bit, glancing away again just as quickly. ]
I—don't know what you want me to say here, Wu. I don't break down about stuff like this. I can't.
[ So, so many reasons, Mako thinks, but the words stick in his throat, thick and hard to get through. Wu's hand is a little cold, his fingers long and thin. Mako doesn't flip his hand over, but he doesn't move away, either.
He doesn't want to talk about this. ] Because what I feel about it doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter. The second my feelings get involved, things get messy. Look at Korra and Asami. If all I'm doing is sitting here feeling things about what's happening, I'm not fixing anything.
Just because it doesn't change anything doesn't mean it doesn't matter. [ Wu says quietly, watching Mako under the soft electric lights.
He should drop it. Mako doesn't like prying, clearly. But questions are on the tip of Wu's tongue, and he's never been very good at holding himself back. ] I think dating is a little different than murder, Mako. And Korra and Asami love you, even if you're not dating them anymore. That's a stupid argument.
The fact that Eddie got possessed enough to murder someone he didn't know in the first place.
[ Because that is how Mako deals with problems: he deals with them. He doesn't think about how he feels about them.
He tells himself this is because his feelings don't matter. He tells himself that how he feels doesn't change a single thing, because historically, that has been true.
But really, somewhere underneath there—in a part of himself Mako ist just starting to see—he is afraid that if he lets himself feel about this one thing, he'll never stop. That the waves that have been building for years will crash over him all at once, and drown him, and he can't handle the idea of that, so he shoves it down and down and pretends like it doesn't matter.
But his voice is thick and tight. The tide is coming in, slowly. ]
I'm looking into it. Figure out how to pull somebody out of it if it's going to happen again. Raleigh has a point. We can't just let it continue.
[ Another shaking breath, smaller, sharper, like he's sucking in air. ] I don't know how I feel about it. I died. I'm back. I shouldn't be.
So that's who did it. [ Wu murmurs, squeezing Mako's hand tighter. The contact is nice, calming. Wu hopes Mako feels the same.
He watches Mako's face. ] No, we can't. That shouldn't have happened to you. I'm sorry it did. I know I couldn't have done anything, I wasn't even here, but I wish it hadn't happened.
I want you to be okay. [ I want to take care of you, he doesn't say, but he means ] I think you'll feel better if you talk about it.
When my family was killed, I didn't talk about it for a long time. I didn't have anyone to tell, and it hurt. Even if I didn't like most of them, they were still my family, they were everything I had, and they were gone, taken by people who thought they knew better than us how the world should work.
[ He takes a breath, looking down at their hands. ] I never did get to talk about it. But I wrote about it, in my journal. And that helped. I figured out how I felt about it, and that gave me a lot of clarity. I was able to understand why I felt hurt, angry, and relieved all at once. I knew what I needed to do, because I let myself feel. It hurt, to feel all that. But I came out better for it.
So, I suppose I should't be forcing you to tell me how you feel. But I hope that you can figure it out yourself, because you might feel the same way. You might be able to understand what it means to you, what you can do with it now.
[ Wu bites his lip, then opens his mouth to say more before shutting it.
That was a lot to say. The words hang in the air, and he almost wishes he could reach out and grab them and pull them back into himself. ]
He's never heard Wu talk like that: not so openly, not so personally, not about things like that. Wu puts on this face, as far as Mako can see. He smiles and he laughs and he throws himself into the things in life that bring him joy. He doesn't dwell on what Mako remembers sometimes: that for him to be the King, there had to be nobody else.
That he was thrust into this role because he was the only one, and had to make do with it.
Maybe that's why Wu sticks in his head sometimes. There's always more to people than they show the world. Mako had made the mistake, at first, of thinking that everything Wu said was what he was, but after everything, he knows that isn't true.
He just didn't expect to hear so much about it. It tugs at something in him, his breath, his heart, pulling it against the cage of his ribs until he feels full with something.
Carefully, without thinking about it too hard, Mako lifts his hand out from under Wu's and drapes it around his shoulder instead. Some of that tension, all at once, eases away, and Mako tugs him closer still, his breath catching hard, until Wu is practically pressed against his side. ]
I.
[ His voice is so thick. He swallows, tries again, feeling everything settle just a little bit. A tension that Mako didn't even know was there is starting to leech away. ] I didn't know any of that. About your family. I knew they died, but— you weren't that close with them?
[ Wu makes a small noise when Mako pulls him close.
That's unexpected.
But the same calm fills him up, letting him lean into Mako's side, feeling his arm around Wu's shoulders, strong and solid. He pulls his legs up under him and presses closer, letting his eyes falls shut for a second. ]
No. Not close. You met my Great-Aunt. She wasn't a very... friendly person.
I was closer with my cousins. They were nice, fun.
[ He looks up at Mako again. ] But even with them, it was pretty lonely. It's hard to make friends when everyone just sees you as a Prince, or a King.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
voice; un: wuwho
You want to tell me about that, big guy?
voice; un:mako
This is two messages in about as many hours asking him about this. Mako heaves a small sigh, audible as crackling over the line. ] Obviously I need to talk to Raleigh.
Yes. I was murdered. I don't see what difference it makes. You know I died.
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I figured it out.
I think it makes a very big difference. If I died from falling off a cliff, or if I was assassinated, it would be pretty different!
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[ This is his logic, anyway, because it's easier than acknowledging how much it sucked to die alone in dark, cold water. ] I don't know what you're getting at here.
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That must have been pretty hard, to die like that.
If it was a cliff, you could have learned to be more careful around cliffs, but this? I don't know what there is to learn here.
...I suppose I just want to make sure that you're alright. It matters to me.
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[ But Mako sighs a second later, letting his head drop unseen against his bed. ] I know what you're trying to say, believe me. I've gotten this from at least four people. What I feel about what happened doesn't matter. What does is the reminded that I can't... let this place get the best of me. I should've been smarter. I wasn't, and there were consequences.
'S why you really need those self defense lessons.
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Be all stubborn and self-effacing as you want, Mako, that doesn't change the fact that this happened to you. It's awful, and I don't want you to have to do it alone. I know you have a lot of friends here, and maybe they're better friends to you than I am, but if you need me, or even if you want me, I'm here and I'll listen or, or I'll just watch stupid videos with you or something.
I guess what I'm saying is that I love you and I care about you, and this seems like a really big thing that you specifically avoided telling me. [ And maybe that hurts a little? But Wu tries not to let Mako's words, or lack thereof hurt him. Sometimes (rarely) he succeeds ]
I am learning how to fight, thank you very much. A fine young knight named Fern said he would teach me.
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He takes it in, quiet, focusing on his own (slightly rasping) breath and the earnestness in Wu's words. That he wants to be there, for some reason. That he wants to help. Mako can't think of why: it was explicitly Mako's job to help Wu for three years, not the other way around. What Wu wants out of this—why he's offering, what he's getting—Mako can't fathom. Maybe it will come to him later.
I love you, he says, has said before, a few times, and Mako gets a little bit stuck on the words every time. Wu is the kind of person, he thinks, who just says them. He's effusive, and he shares things about himself with no thoughts, half the time. It's like Bolin, I love you tripping off his lips without a care.
Mako shouldn't get stuck on them like this, but he does. He always does.
His throat, oddly, is a bit tight by the time he tries to speak. He has to clear it, staring at the ground between his own knees, frowning to himself with the Fluid pressed to his ear. ]
I didn't want to tell anyone.
[ He hadn't meant to say that, really, but there it is. Mako makes a frustrated little sound, lifting his head to glare at the wall, instead. ] Are you at your house? I don't want to—I hate these things. Sometimes.
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[ He pushes himself up in a rustle of clothes and fabric, groaning a bit. Like a grandpa. He really, really can't wait to be over this sickness. The Fluid switches off a moment later.
It takes him a little while, and his head is a strange combination of repeating Wu's words over and over again and otherwise empty as he walks over, crunching across the snow to knock on Wu's door. Wu wants to watch stupid videos. Wu wishes Mako had told him that he was murdered.
He doesn't get it, but they're clearly not done talking, and Wu probably won't leave it alone until Mako tells him more about it, so. ]
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He trots over and pulls open the door with a small smile. ] Mako! Hey, buddy. How are you doing?
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[ Mako hesitates for a second before stepping forward, out of the cold. He definitely looks better. Not best, but better. Better, at least, than when Wu first woke up.
And he isn't entirely sure of the etiquette here. He's in Wu's house, but they're not at the small-talk phase, and they were kind of in the middle of a conversation before Mako interrupted it to come over here.
He pauses, and then says, shutting the door. ] Like I said. It wasn't just you. I didn't want to tell anyone.
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Okay. That... that's not really better. But why didn't you want to tell anyone?
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[ Mako cuts himself off with a frustrated noise, especially since the fire in the room he just walked into flared up as soon as he walked into it. Nope. Control those emotions. He can't let that keep happening. ]
It is better. It wasn't like I specifically didn't tell you, I just. Didn't think it was relevant, or important, and I wasn't about to broadcast to everybody that I was basically a sitting gooseduck.
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[ He turns on his heel and walks the other way out of the sitting room ] Everyone seems to have found out anyway. They're a nosy bunch, aren't they?
[ He lets out a breath, and turns around to look at Mako, walking backwards ] It just seems like a key piece of information, and it's not like I'm going to threaten you, Mako! As you love reminding me, I'm completely incapable of hurting anyone.
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He's supposed to be better than this, and it stings, watching Wu flinch and retreat.
Still. He follows, mute for a moment, turning the words over in his head. ]
Very nosy, and I don't see why everyone's so torn up about it. It happened. Them bringing me soup and asking how I feel isn't going to change the fact that it happened.
[ Wu's shoulders are so thin. The thought comes out of nowhere, and disappears a moment later, leaving Mako frowning at him as he walks. ] I don't think you're a threat, but you have to see that it's stupid to just let everyone know how weak you are. These symptoms are public knowledge. It'd be easy to take advantage of.
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You can't change the fact that it happened, but you must have some sort of feeling about it, right? You're not the emotionless automaton you like to pretend you are. I've seen you have emotions, Mako. Everyone has them! I know if I had been murdered and came back to life, I would be pretty torn up about it. I was from when I was kidnapped, and you saved me, then!
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It is a mistake he will not be repeating, he tells himself, following Wu into the room. It really is cold in this massive house. It prickles along his skin, too-sensitive from the fever, and retreats only slightly when he sighs and sits down heavily beside Wu.
The carpet in here is just as ornate as the rest of the house. Mako spends a moment just staring at it, watching the swirls of color and tasting salt and ozone in his own mouth all over again.
The silence is heavy, settling, and Mako sucks in a small breath and makes a mistake: he looks up at Wu.
Sees the concern on his face and flinches, a little bit, glancing away again just as quickly. ]
I—don't know what you want me to say here, Wu. I don't break down about stuff like this. I can't.
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Honestly, even that is more than he thought he would get out of Mako.
After a moment's hesitation, Wu reaches over, dropping his hand on Mako's. ]
Why not? Why aren't you allowed to, when other people are?
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He doesn't want to talk about this. ] Because what I feel about it doesn't change anything. It doesn't matter. The second my feelings get involved, things get messy. Look at Korra and Asami. If all I'm doing is sitting here feeling things about what's happening, I'm not fixing anything.
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He should drop it. Mako doesn't like prying, clearly. But questions are on the tip of Wu's tongue, and he's never been very good at holding himself back. ] I think dating is a little different than murder, Mako. And Korra and Asami love you, even if you're not dating them anymore. That's a stupid argument.
What do you want to fix?
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[ Because that is how Mako deals with problems: he deals with them. He doesn't think about how he feels about them.
He tells himself this is because his feelings don't matter. He tells himself that how he feels doesn't change a single thing, because historically, that has been true.
But really, somewhere underneath there—in a part of himself Mako ist just starting to see—he is afraid that if he lets himself feel about this one thing, he'll never stop. That the waves that have been building for years will crash over him all at once, and drown him, and he can't handle the idea of that, so he shoves it down and down and pretends like it doesn't matter.
But his voice is thick and tight. The tide is coming in, slowly. ]
I'm looking into it. Figure out how to pull somebody out of it if it's going to happen again. Raleigh has a point. We can't just let it continue.
[ Another shaking breath, smaller, sharper, like he's sucking in air. ] I don't know how I feel about it. I died. I'm back. I shouldn't be.
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He watches Mako's face. ] No, we can't. That shouldn't have happened to you. I'm sorry it did. I know I couldn't have done anything, I wasn't even here, but I wish it hadn't happened.
I want you to be okay. [ I want to take care of you, he doesn't say, but he means ] I think you'll feel better if you talk about it.
When my family was killed, I didn't talk about it for a long time. I didn't have anyone to tell, and it hurt. Even if I didn't like most of them, they were still my family, they were everything I had, and they were gone, taken by people who thought they knew better than us how the world should work.
[ He takes a breath, looking down at their hands. ] I never did get to talk about it. But I wrote about it, in my journal. And that helped. I figured out how I felt about it, and that gave me a lot of clarity. I was able to understand why I felt hurt, angry, and relieved all at once. I knew what I needed to do, because I let myself feel. It hurt, to feel all that. But I came out better for it.
So, I suppose I should't be forcing you to tell me how you feel. But I hope that you can figure it out yourself, because you might feel the same way. You might be able to understand what it means to you, what you can do with it now.
[ Wu bites his lip, then opens his mouth to say more before shutting it.
That was a lot to say. The words hang in the air, and he almost wishes he could reach out and grab them and pull them back into himself. ]
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He's never heard Wu talk like that: not so openly, not so personally, not about things like that. Wu puts on this face, as far as Mako can see. He smiles and he laughs and he throws himself into the things in life that bring him joy. He doesn't dwell on what Mako remembers sometimes: that for him to be the King, there had to be nobody else.
That he was thrust into this role because he was the only one, and had to make do with it.
Maybe that's why Wu sticks in his head sometimes. There's always more to people than they show the world. Mako had made the mistake, at first, of thinking that everything Wu said was what he was, but after everything, he knows that isn't true.
He just didn't expect to hear so much about it. It tugs at something in him, his breath, his heart, pulling it against the cage of his ribs until he feels full with something.
Carefully, without thinking about it too hard, Mako lifts his hand out from under Wu's and drapes it around his shoulder instead. Some of that tension, all at once, eases away, and Mako tugs him closer still, his breath catching hard, until Wu is practically pressed against his side. ]
I.
[ His voice is so thick. He swallows, tries again, feeling everything settle just a little bit. A tension that Mako didn't even know was there is starting to leech away. ] I didn't know any of that. About your family. I knew they died, but— you weren't that close with them?
no subject
That's unexpected.
But the same calm fills him up, letting him lean into Mako's side, feeling his arm around Wu's shoulders, strong and solid. He pulls his legs up under him and presses closer, letting his eyes falls shut for a second. ]
No. Not close. You met my Great-Aunt. She wasn't a very... friendly person.
I was closer with my cousins. They were nice, fun.
[ He looks up at Mako again. ] But even with them, it was pretty lonely. It's hard to make friends when everyone just sees you as a Prince, or a King.
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