[ He's not wrong about that. Wu's eyes light up and he looks up at Mako again, lips parted ] You become what?! That's, that's amazing-- [ He wants to ask so much more about that but has to stop himself because this is far more important. Mako. Mako telling him about how he died. ]
Okay. Okay, you met him down there. He was acting weird. And you were both part-fish. What, what happened next?
[ He almost sounds embarrassed about it, his voice rumbling through Wu's head because they're so close together. ]
But yeah. He was long, like an eelsnake. He was... being really nice. Offered to swim with me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and being down there alone sounded like a bad idea, so I let him come. We talked for a little while, and he...
[ Mako sucks in a small breath, steeling himself. Again he tastes saltwater on his tongue, remembers his own hazy confusion, the miles of dark water. ] He electrocuted me. Like the spirit vines, but I guess it actually worked this time.
[ Mako says it with a heavy sort of finality, his voice small and soft. ]
I talked to him, afterward. He put something up about it. Said it was this thing called a demon. Like a dark spirit. It was angry, and I was in the wrong place.
He pulls back from Mako, just a little, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
Awful. Terrible. Like my life, the life I thought I had, was gone, was ripped away by a man who thought that me and my entire family didn't deserve to live.
[ He takes a shaky breath, and suddenly he's on his feet, pacing. He can't sit still, not when he lets himself dwell on this.
This isn't what he wanted, but if it's what Mako needs, he'll say it. He walks away, then spins around and meets Mako's eyes ] I didn't feel good for months. Maybe years. I was afraid, all the time, that they would come back and try to kill me. There was a hurt, deep in here, [ He pushes a hand over his chest ] that wouldn't stop. It's still there, sometimes, because they're still gone, they're still dead, and I'm still in danger because of the family I was born into.
I feel helpless. [ He takes a deep breath, his chest heaving, his eyes fixed on Mako. ] Because I can't do anything about it. Because the decisions I'm making put me at risk. Because now I'm in a place that's horrible and awful and maybe people don't care that I'm a king here, but they might hurt me or kill me for any other reason. Maybe for no reason.
There's so much pain and hurt and fear that Wu must cover up, or else how does he feel like this all the time? Mako is afraid that if he lets himself feel that he'll never stop. Like once he uncovers it, that's it. Wu won't think that Mako is someone who can protect him anymore, Bolin will know exactly how much Mako is just making this all up—
But he doesn't look away. He watches Wu through all of this, holding his gaze, taking in every word. Mako feels like he has to, both because he asked and also because he didn't know.
And he feels like he should have. There's so much there. Maybe Wu never asked about Mako, but Mako never asked about Wu either, really. Didn't feel like he had to because Wu is so free with this things, but obviously there are things he missed. ]
For what it's worth, [ because this is all he knows to say, here, this is the only thing Mako feels he can offer ] I'm going to do everything I can to make sure nothing happens to you. Or that if it does, you'll be okay afterwards. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but. I promise you that.
Mako. [ Wu says his name quietly, shaking his head. ] I appreciate that. I really do. But you don't work for me anymore. I'm not a king here. If you want to protect me, protect me because you care, not because you feel like you have to.
[ Mako actually cracks a smile. Just a tiny one, but it reaches his eyes, which is something. ] I haven't worked for you for months, Wu. It's not because I feel like I have to.
[ Wu stays still for a long moment, then he breaks into a smile in return ] Okay. Okay.
[ His arms drop, the tension leeching from his limbs. Slowly, he walks back over to Mako, dropping down next to him. ] Your turn. How do you feel? About dying? And don't dodge it this time.
[ Mako says, almost frustrated, as he flops back hard against the couch. It bounces a bit underneath him, firm like most fancy couches are. ] I mean. Not great. I wish I hadn't died, but that doesn't do anything.
[ This is oddly frustrating. Mako likes deciding to do something and then just doing it, not struggling the find the words for what Wu is asking for.
It's not that he feels nothing about it. He feels awful about it. He keeps waking up and being surprised that he did, keeps expecting the other shoe to drop, or for some mistake to be made. Runs through it over and over in his own head, trying to pinpoint what he did wrong, what he can do better to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's hard to run through the mistakes that got you killed.
But he doesn't know how to say any of that, still doesn't fully know the point of saying any of that. Mako's looking at the ceiling instead of at Wu, because he can't handle the questions on his face.
He has to start somewhere. Maybe he'll just tell Wu some of that, and it will be fine, and he'll stop asking. ]
I just.
I can't stop thinking about it.
[ The words are halting, pulled off his tongue like shards of glass. He bites hard around them, scowling, his arms crossed and his shoulders hunched like he's warding something off. ] I messed up, Wu. And I died because of it. Right before he killed me his voice got so soft, and I was so messed-up about Korra that I didn't even notice the sparks. I could've gotten away.
Mako... [ Wu says his name again, and shifts a little closer. Mako doesn't love being touched, normally, but for some reason he's been reaching out to Wu, so now Wu reaches right back, placing a hand on his arm. ] Why do you think it's your fault?
Because it my fault! [ Mako snaps, and it comes out louder than he meant it to, echoing off the walls. The carpet, at least, dampens some of the sound, but he winces back from his own words, grimacing hard. ] I'm smarter than that, that's not—
[ He sucks in a shaky breath, sits up a bit straighter and says to the opposite wall: ] If it's my fault, I can learn from it. If it's random, what am I supposed to do with that? I just died, and there was no meaning behind it and the fact that I can't stop thinking about how it felt means nothing.
Maybe you can still learn something from it. I learned a lot after my family was killed. Not about how to prevent it, but about myself. [ Wu watches him. He's holding a lot back, but this isn't about him. This is about Mako, Mako who bottles everything up inside himself until he's bursting. ] I never would have been able to make the decisions I did if I hadn't gone through that.
[ That's something Mako honestly hadn't thought about.
Wu had said something like it earlier, too, but Mako doesn't place a lot of weight on his feelings, still doesn't think they matter—feeling bad about his life as a kid didn't keep him or Bolin any safer. How much he hated working for the Triple Threats didn't change the fact that it was the best option for him.
He finally looks over, meets Wu's eyes, his face twisted and oddly unsure. ] What did you learn?
That my world could change. That what I knew wasn't necessarily the truth. [ Wu says quietly, holding his gaze. ] I don't think I would have learned that as quickly, or at all, if I hadn't experienced that.
[ Slowly, Wu nods. He gets that feeling. He gets that completely. He wasn't able to deal with his family's death for a long time after it happened.
He scoots closer to Mako. ] That's okay. I won't make you. But... I hope you can figure out how to deal with it, eventually. I don't want you to have to feel this way.
[ They're pressed together again, like this, and it sends that same wash of warmth through Mako. He leans into it, chasing the feeling, dropping his arm around Wu's shoulders with something like gratitude crashing over him like a wave. ]
Thank you.
[ It's a quiet little murmur, barely there, and then Mako turns his head just a bit and lets it drop against Wu's. ]
[ Wu laughs a little, and finally he lets himself shift into Mako, wrapping his arms around Mako's waist, hugging him close. Warmth rushes through Wu, and he lets his eyes close, just feeling Mako against him. ] It's exhausting, but I promise it'll make you feel better, later.
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Okay. Okay, you met him down there. He was acting weird. And you were both part-fish. What, what happened next?
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[ He almost sounds embarrassed about it, his voice rumbling through Wu's head because they're so close together. ]
But yeah. He was long, like an eelsnake. He was... being really nice. Offered to swim with me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and being down there alone sounded like a bad idea, so I let him come. We talked for a little while, and he...
[ Mako sucks in a small breath, steeling himself. Again he tastes saltwater on his tongue, remembers his own hazy confusion, the miles of dark water. ] He electrocuted me. Like the spirit vines, but I guess it actually worked this time.
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Do you know why? [ Why would this person kill Mako? It all sounds innocent, except that they're down there alone.
Did Eddie simply take advantage? Want to kill him for sport? Wu shudders at the thought. ]
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[ Mako says it with a heavy sort of finality, his voice small and soft. ]
I talked to him, afterward. He put something up about it. Said it was this thing called a demon. Like a dark spirit. It was angry, and I was in the wrong place.
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With a small flicker of a smile, Wu asks: ] I suppose it's time for the big question. How do you feel about that?
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That is the big question, huh. I don't know. How did you feel after your family died?
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He pulls back from Mako, just a little, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
Awful. Terrible. Like my life, the life I thought I had, was gone, was ripped away by a man who thought that me and my entire family didn't deserve to live.
[ He takes a shaky breath, and suddenly he's on his feet, pacing. He can't sit still, not when he lets himself dwell on this.
This isn't what he wanted, but if it's what Mako needs, he'll say it. He walks away, then spins around and meets Mako's eyes ] I didn't feel good for months. Maybe years. I was afraid, all the time, that they would come back and try to kill me. There was a hurt, deep in here, [ He pushes a hand over his chest ] that wouldn't stop. It's still there, sometimes, because they're still gone, they're still dead, and I'm still in danger because of the family I was born into.
I feel helpless. [ He takes a deep breath, his chest heaving, his eyes fixed on Mako. ] Because I can't do anything about it. Because the decisions I'm making put me at risk. Because now I'm in a place that's horrible and awful and maybe people don't care that I'm a king here, but they might hurt me or kill me for any other reason. Maybe for no reason.
That. That's how I felt. Feel.
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There's so much pain and hurt and fear that Wu must cover up, or else how does he feel like this all the time? Mako is afraid that if he lets himself feel that he'll never stop. Like once he uncovers it, that's it. Wu won't think that Mako is someone who can protect him anymore, Bolin will know exactly how much Mako is just making this all up—
But he doesn't look away. He watches Wu through all of this, holding his gaze, taking in every word. Mako feels like he has to, both because he asked and also because he didn't know.
And he feels like he should have. There's so much there. Maybe Wu never asked about Mako, but Mako never asked about Wu either, really. Didn't feel like he had to because Wu is so free with this things, but obviously there are things he missed. ]
For what it's worth, [ because this is all he knows to say, here, this is the only thing Mako feels he can offer ] I'm going to do everything I can to make sure nothing happens to you. Or that if it does, you'll be okay afterwards. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but. I promise you that.
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[ His arms drop, the tension leeching from his limbs. Slowly, he walks back over to Mako, dropping down next to him. ] Your turn. How do you feel? About dying? And don't dodge it this time.
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[ Mako says, almost frustrated, as he flops back hard against the couch. It bounces a bit underneath him, firm like most fancy couches are. ] I mean. Not great. I wish I hadn't died, but that doesn't do anything.
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[ His lips flicker in a smile ] But, it wouldn't be bothering you so much if it was just "not great." So, how about, what does "not great" mean?
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It's not that he feels nothing about it. He feels awful about it. He keeps waking up and being surprised that he did, keeps expecting the other shoe to drop, or for some mistake to be made. Runs through it over and over in his own head, trying to pinpoint what he did wrong, what he can do better to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's hard to run through the mistakes that got you killed.
But he doesn't know how to say any of that, still doesn't fully know the point of saying any of that. Mako's looking at the ceiling instead of at Wu, because he can't handle the questions on his face.
He has to start somewhere. Maybe he'll just tell Wu some of that, and it will be fine, and he'll stop asking. ]
I just.
I can't stop thinking about it.
[ The words are halting, pulled off his tongue like shards of glass. He bites hard around them, scowling, his arms crossed and his shoulders hunched like he's warding something off. ] I messed up, Wu. And I died because of it. Right before he killed me his voice got so soft, and I was so messed-up about Korra that I didn't even notice the sparks. I could've gotten away.
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[ He sucks in a shaky breath, sits up a bit straighter and says to the opposite wall: ] If it's my fault, I can learn from it. If it's random, what am I supposed to do with that? I just died, and there was no meaning behind it and the fact that I can't stop thinking about how it felt means nothing.
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You were a cop, didn't you see pointless pain and hurt doing that? It, it doesn't make what you're feeling any less important if it was random.
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[ No, Wu has a good point. Mako is perfectly well-acquainted with random pain and hurt. He huffs, settling back a little. ]
No. You're right, I did. I—my parents weren't killed for any reason. It was some desperate overpowered idiot making a shitty choice.
But I don't know what to do with it I can't learn from it.
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Wu had said something like it earlier, too, but Mako doesn't place a lot of weight on his feelings, still doesn't think they matter—feeling bad about his life as a kid didn't keep him or Bolin any safer. How much he hated working for the Triple Threats didn't change the fact that it was the best option for him.
He finally looks over, meets Wu's eyes, his face twisted and oddly unsure. ] What did you learn?
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His face shifts probably five times, from sadness to frustration to anger, all over the place.
He doesn't know how to do what Wu is asking him to. Those memories are like a pit inside him, twisting and black, too painful to touch.
Finally, he says, in a small voice, holding Wu's eyes: ] If I. Let myself talk about this.
I don't.
[ Mako has to drag in a steadying breath halfway through his sentence, makes himself keep holding Wu's eyes. ]
I don't know if I can stop. Feeling it.
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He scoots closer to Mako. ] That's okay. I won't make you. But... I hope you can figure out how to deal with it, eventually. I don't want you to have to feel this way.
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Thank you.
[ It's a quiet little murmur, barely there, and then Mako turns his head just a bit and lets it drop against Wu's. ]
Is doing this supposed to be so tiring?
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