[ He chews on his lips, considering that. He's trying to be more honest, with himself, with others. ] Because I'm not really cut out to be a King. I'm not the sort of person who should do that. I don't think I'm a very good leader.
[ And he particularly didn't think that three years ago. He's better now. ]
Thank you. I, that means a lot. And thanks for putting up with me all those years. [ He nudges Mako in the side with a soft, humorless laugh ]
Oh. [ Wu didn't know that. Wu didn't know that at all.
He finally shifts, just enough to look at Mako. ] I lost mine when I was 12.
[ But at least he had his Great-Aunt and his uncle and the Palace. He had people to take care of him. ] You were by yourselves?
Well, that's why you're stepping down, right? If you were sticking around and you thought you were a bad leader that would be a different story. I think you're doing the right thing.
[ Even if Guan doesn't agree. Mako just yanks him a little closer, because now they're doing this and he feels so much better, isn't thinking about it quite enough to figure out that it's weird and that he doesn't do this and should stop.
But some things are slotting into place for Mako that he didn't realize were out of place: the sadness on Wu's face sometimes, when he thinks nobody else is looking, all the letters, how quickly he latched onto Mako and Team Avatar. It's what Bolin does, too, yanks everyone around him as close as possible because otherwise he's alone. ]
Yeah. Just me and Bo. Our parents had a shop, but—they were killed. Firebenders. Happened to plenty of kids in the city, and the police and the council weren't handling it at all. A lot of us slipped through the cracks, ended up on the street.
So. I know what it's like, is what I'm saying. I'm glad you had the rest of your family after they died.
[ Wu has to close his eyes again, taking in the flood of calm and warmth that flows through him. Did it always feel this good, to be hugged? He doesn't remember, but he's not going to question it. It feels good and Mako is close and Mako is here and Wu has no idea what he would do without Mako here. ]
Thanks. I think so too. [ He's sure in his conviction, for once. But it doesn't hurt that Mako agrees with him. Wu thinks, sometimes, about how much he wants that, for Mako to approve of him. He shouldn't, he shouldn't care, but he does. He does a lot more than Mako knows. ]
On the street. That, that's awful. [ And explains a lot about Mako. How he refuses to rely on anyone, how he doesn't trust easily, how he seems uncomfortable a lot of the time when he's around Wu and his life of luxury.
How he refuses to talk about this whole being-murdered thing. ] Mako... I don't know what it's like, what you've been through here. But I want to try to understand. If you can trust me with that, I promise I won't betray that trust. [ It's a gamble, but it's true. Wu has taken a lot from Mako in the last few years. He's not sure if he can ever repay Mako, but he wants to try. Mako means so much to him, and he just wants to be able to do something for him in return. ]
[ Mako drags in another one of those shaky little breaths.
He hasn't even really talked to Bolin about it, honestly. He doesn't want to make Bolin worry, doesn't want to be a source of stress for him when Mako's supposed to be the one keeping that kind of thing from him, keeping him safe and alive and happy.
And he's not sure it's even about trust. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it's about habit. Maybe he doesn't know how to talk about it, doesn't have the right words or the right feelings or the right thoughts to express it.
But Wu's asking Mako to trust him. Wu knows exactly what it's like to look death in the face, Wu knows what it's like, apparently, to be alone. To have nobody else, to have to stand on your own feet and put on a face to the world that says "I'm fine" even though you're probably not fine.
He huffs, almost like a laugh, flat and short. Wu is so good with his words. How had Mako forgotten? ]
I died.
[ His voice is flat, as flat as he can get it, to keep it from shaking. ]
And I remember it. It's—I don't even know. Where to start.
How about at the beginning? [ Wu offers quietly, like talking too loud will break this fragile moment between them.
He wants to know. He has a curiosity in him, that he channels into learning and thinking, but there's something about Mako in particular that's started peaking his curiosity recently. Since everything in Republic City, in their letters and conversations since, since Mako started working for him. There's something else there, someone else that Wu is only just getting to know. ] What led to you, ah, dying?
[ Mako's glad for the offer. Glad for the place to start, and for Wu, although he doesn't quite put it into those words in his own head.
Even if it's slow, the words just as quiet as he picks them one by one from his own head. ]
Korra... left. Disappeared.
[ His fingers curl around Wu's shoulder, into the stiff fabric of his jacket. ] Right in front of me. I didn't tell Bolin. She just—exploded. Into dust. It was like she got ripped apart.
I had to ask someone what that meant, but I knew she was gone, really. I went down to the trench—
[ Another shaky breath. ] In October, I turned into this... thing. Made out of fire. It was like being brainwashed. Like I was trapped in my head watching it try to burn down the town.
I didn't want that to happen again, so I went to the coldest place I could think of.
Did it work? [ Wu asks quietly. He presses closer, firm against his side.
He knows she's gone, that she left. Of course that would hurt Mako. He remembers how hurt Mako that Korra disappeared before, and she doesn't even have the ability to write to Mako this time. That's probably better. That way Mako can't be disappointed. ] Going down there?
I mean, I can't firebend when I'm underwater. Did I tell you about that? There are these fruits growing down there. If you eat them—I'm not making this up—your legs turn into a tail and you can breathe underwater. It's like you become part-fish.
[ His voice is a little stronger, telling Wu about that, because he thinks Wu will actually be kind of fascinated by it. ]
That's where it happened, anyway. Under the water, way out in the ocean. I just... swam, until I ran into Eddie. I should've known something was up. He was acting weird.
[ He's not wrong about that. Wu's eyes light up and he looks up at Mako again, lips parted ] You become what?! That's, that's amazing-- [ He wants to ask so much more about that but has to stop himself because this is far more important. Mako. Mako telling him about how he died. ]
Okay. Okay, you met him down there. He was acting weird. And you were both part-fish. What, what happened next?
[ He almost sounds embarrassed about it, his voice rumbling through Wu's head because they're so close together. ]
But yeah. He was long, like an eelsnake. He was... being really nice. Offered to swim with me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and being down there alone sounded like a bad idea, so I let him come. We talked for a little while, and he...
[ Mako sucks in a small breath, steeling himself. Again he tastes saltwater on his tongue, remembers his own hazy confusion, the miles of dark water. ] He electrocuted me. Like the spirit vines, but I guess it actually worked this time.
[ Mako says it with a heavy sort of finality, his voice small and soft. ]
I talked to him, afterward. He put something up about it. Said it was this thing called a demon. Like a dark spirit. It was angry, and I was in the wrong place.
He pulls back from Mako, just a little, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
Awful. Terrible. Like my life, the life I thought I had, was gone, was ripped away by a man who thought that me and my entire family didn't deserve to live.
[ He takes a shaky breath, and suddenly he's on his feet, pacing. He can't sit still, not when he lets himself dwell on this.
This isn't what he wanted, but if it's what Mako needs, he'll say it. He walks away, then spins around and meets Mako's eyes ] I didn't feel good for months. Maybe years. I was afraid, all the time, that they would come back and try to kill me. There was a hurt, deep in here, [ He pushes a hand over his chest ] that wouldn't stop. It's still there, sometimes, because they're still gone, they're still dead, and I'm still in danger because of the family I was born into.
I feel helpless. [ He takes a deep breath, his chest heaving, his eyes fixed on Mako. ] Because I can't do anything about it. Because the decisions I'm making put me at risk. Because now I'm in a place that's horrible and awful and maybe people don't care that I'm a king here, but they might hurt me or kill me for any other reason. Maybe for no reason.
There's so much pain and hurt and fear that Wu must cover up, or else how does he feel like this all the time? Mako is afraid that if he lets himself feel that he'll never stop. Like once he uncovers it, that's it. Wu won't think that Mako is someone who can protect him anymore, Bolin will know exactly how much Mako is just making this all up—
But he doesn't look away. He watches Wu through all of this, holding his gaze, taking in every word. Mako feels like he has to, both because he asked and also because he didn't know.
And he feels like he should have. There's so much there. Maybe Wu never asked about Mako, but Mako never asked about Wu either, really. Didn't feel like he had to because Wu is so free with this things, but obviously there are things he missed. ]
For what it's worth, [ because this is all he knows to say, here, this is the only thing Mako feels he can offer ] I'm going to do everything I can to make sure nothing happens to you. Or that if it does, you'll be okay afterwards. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but. I promise you that.
Mako. [ Wu says his name quietly, shaking his head. ] I appreciate that. I really do. But you don't work for me anymore. I'm not a king here. If you want to protect me, protect me because you care, not because you feel like you have to.
[ Mako actually cracks a smile. Just a tiny one, but it reaches his eyes, which is something. ] I haven't worked for you for months, Wu. It's not because I feel like I have to.
[ Wu stays still for a long moment, then he breaks into a smile in return ] Okay. Okay.
[ His arms drop, the tension leeching from his limbs. Slowly, he walks back over to Mako, dropping down next to him. ] Your turn. How do you feel? About dying? And don't dodge it this time.
[ Mako says, almost frustrated, as he flops back hard against the couch. It bounces a bit underneath him, firm like most fancy couches are. ] I mean. Not great. I wish I hadn't died, but that doesn't do anything.
[ This is oddly frustrating. Mako likes deciding to do something and then just doing it, not struggling the find the words for what Wu is asking for.
It's not that he feels nothing about it. He feels awful about it. He keeps waking up and being surprised that he did, keeps expecting the other shoe to drop, or for some mistake to be made. Runs through it over and over in his own head, trying to pinpoint what he did wrong, what he can do better to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's hard to run through the mistakes that got you killed.
But he doesn't know how to say any of that, still doesn't fully know the point of saying any of that. Mako's looking at the ceiling instead of at Wu, because he can't handle the questions on his face.
He has to start somewhere. Maybe he'll just tell Wu some of that, and it will be fine, and he'll stop asking. ]
I just.
I can't stop thinking about it.
[ The words are halting, pulled off his tongue like shards of glass. He bites hard around them, scowling, his arms crossed and his shoulders hunched like he's warding something off. ] I messed up, Wu. And I died because of it. Right before he killed me his voice got so soft, and I was so messed-up about Korra that I didn't even notice the sparks. I could've gotten away.
Mako... [ Wu says his name again, and shifts a little closer. Mako doesn't love being touched, normally, but for some reason he's been reaching out to Wu, so now Wu reaches right back, placing a hand on his arm. ] Why do you think it's your fault?
Because it my fault! [ Mako snaps, and it comes out louder than he meant it to, echoing off the walls. The carpet, at least, dampens some of the sound, but he winces back from his own words, grimacing hard. ] I'm smarter than that, that's not—
[ He sucks in a shaky breath, sits up a bit straighter and says to the opposite wall: ] If it's my fault, I can learn from it. If it's random, what am I supposed to do with that? I just died, and there was no meaning behind it and the fact that I can't stop thinking about how it felt means nothing.
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[ And he particularly didn't think that three years ago. He's better now. ]
Thank you. I, that means a lot. And thanks for putting up with me all those years. [ He nudges Mako in the side with a soft, humorless laugh ]
Oh. [ Wu didn't know that. Wu didn't know that at all.
He finally shifts, just enough to look at Mako. ] I lost mine when I was 12.
[ But at least he had his Great-Aunt and his uncle and the Palace. He had people to take care of him. ] You were by yourselves?
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[ Even if Guan doesn't agree. Mako just yanks him a little closer, because now they're doing this and he feels so much better, isn't thinking about it quite enough to figure out that it's weird and that he doesn't do this and should stop.
But some things are slotting into place for Mako that he didn't realize were out of place: the sadness on Wu's face sometimes, when he thinks nobody else is looking, all the letters, how quickly he latched onto Mako and Team Avatar. It's what Bolin does, too, yanks everyone around him as close as possible because otherwise he's alone. ]
Yeah. Just me and Bo. Our parents had a shop, but—they were killed. Firebenders. Happened to plenty of kids in the city, and the police and the council weren't handling it at all. A lot of us slipped through the cracks, ended up on the street.
So. I know what it's like, is what I'm saying. I'm glad you had the rest of your family after they died.
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Thanks. I think so too. [ He's sure in his conviction, for once. But it doesn't hurt that Mako agrees with him. Wu thinks, sometimes, about how much he wants that, for Mako to approve of him. He shouldn't, he shouldn't care, but he does. He does a lot more than Mako knows. ]
On the street. That, that's awful. [ And explains a lot about Mako. How he refuses to rely on anyone, how he doesn't trust easily, how he seems uncomfortable a lot of the time when he's around Wu and his life of luxury.
How he refuses to talk about this whole being-murdered thing. ] Mako... I don't know what it's like, what you've been through here. But I want to try to understand. If you can trust me with that, I promise I won't betray that trust. [ It's a gamble, but it's true. Wu has taken a lot from Mako in the last few years. He's not sure if he can ever repay Mako, but he wants to try. Mako means so much to him, and he just wants to be able to do something for him in return. ]
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He hasn't even really talked to Bolin about it, honestly. He doesn't want to make Bolin worry, doesn't want to be a source of stress for him when Mako's supposed to be the one keeping that kind of thing from him, keeping him safe and alive and happy.
And he's not sure it's even about trust. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it's about habit. Maybe he doesn't know how to talk about it, doesn't have the right words or the right feelings or the right thoughts to express it.
But Wu's asking Mako to trust him. Wu knows exactly what it's like to look death in the face, Wu knows what it's like, apparently, to be alone. To have nobody else, to have to stand on your own feet and put on a face to the world that says "I'm fine" even though you're probably not fine.
He huffs, almost like a laugh, flat and short. Wu is so good with his words. How had Mako forgotten? ]
I died.
[ His voice is flat, as flat as he can get it, to keep it from shaking. ]
And I remember it. It's—I don't even know. Where to start.
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He wants to know. He has a curiosity in him, that he channels into learning and thinking, but there's something about Mako in particular that's started peaking his curiosity recently. Since everything in Republic City, in their letters and conversations since, since Mako started working for him. There's something else there, someone else that Wu is only just getting to know. ] What led to you, ah, dying?
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Even if it's slow, the words just as quiet as he picks them one by one from his own head. ]
Korra... left. Disappeared.
[ His fingers curl around Wu's shoulder, into the stiff fabric of his jacket. ] Right in front of me. I didn't tell Bolin. She just—exploded. Into dust. It was like she got ripped apart.
I had to ask someone what that meant, but I knew she was gone, really. I went down to the trench—
[ Another shaky breath. ] In October, I turned into this... thing. Made out of fire. It was like being brainwashed. Like I was trapped in my head watching it try to burn down the town.
I didn't want that to happen again, so I went to the coldest place I could think of.
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He knows she's gone, that she left. Of course that would hurt Mako. He remembers how hurt Mako that Korra disappeared before, and she doesn't even have the ability to write to Mako this time. That's probably better. That way Mako can't be disappointed. ] Going down there?
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[ His voice is a little stronger, telling Wu about that, because he thinks Wu will actually be kind of fascinated by it. ]
That's where it happened, anyway. Under the water, way out in the ocean. I just... swam, until I ran into Eddie. I should've known something was up. He was acting weird.
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Okay. Okay, you met him down there. He was acting weird. And you were both part-fish. What, what happened next?
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[ He almost sounds embarrassed about it, his voice rumbling through Wu's head because they're so close together. ]
But yeah. He was long, like an eelsnake. He was... being really nice. Offered to swim with me. I wasn't thinking clearly, and being down there alone sounded like a bad idea, so I let him come. We talked for a little while, and he...
[ Mako sucks in a small breath, steeling himself. Again he tastes saltwater on his tongue, remembers his own hazy confusion, the miles of dark water. ] He electrocuted me. Like the spirit vines, but I guess it actually worked this time.
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Do you know why? [ Why would this person kill Mako? It all sounds innocent, except that they're down there alone.
Did Eddie simply take advantage? Want to kill him for sport? Wu shudders at the thought. ]
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[ Mako says it with a heavy sort of finality, his voice small and soft. ]
I talked to him, afterward. He put something up about it. Said it was this thing called a demon. Like a dark spirit. It was angry, and I was in the wrong place.
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With a small flicker of a smile, Wu asks: ] I suppose it's time for the big question. How do you feel about that?
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That is the big question, huh. I don't know. How did you feel after your family died?
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He pulls back from Mako, just a little, wrapping his arms around himself. ]
Awful. Terrible. Like my life, the life I thought I had, was gone, was ripped away by a man who thought that me and my entire family didn't deserve to live.
[ He takes a shaky breath, and suddenly he's on his feet, pacing. He can't sit still, not when he lets himself dwell on this.
This isn't what he wanted, but if it's what Mako needs, he'll say it. He walks away, then spins around and meets Mako's eyes ] I didn't feel good for months. Maybe years. I was afraid, all the time, that they would come back and try to kill me. There was a hurt, deep in here, [ He pushes a hand over his chest ] that wouldn't stop. It's still there, sometimes, because they're still gone, they're still dead, and I'm still in danger because of the family I was born into.
I feel helpless. [ He takes a deep breath, his chest heaving, his eyes fixed on Mako. ] Because I can't do anything about it. Because the decisions I'm making put me at risk. Because now I'm in a place that's horrible and awful and maybe people don't care that I'm a king here, but they might hurt me or kill me for any other reason. Maybe for no reason.
That. That's how I felt. Feel.
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There's so much pain and hurt and fear that Wu must cover up, or else how does he feel like this all the time? Mako is afraid that if he lets himself feel that he'll never stop. Like once he uncovers it, that's it. Wu won't think that Mako is someone who can protect him anymore, Bolin will know exactly how much Mako is just making this all up—
But he doesn't look away. He watches Wu through all of this, holding his gaze, taking in every word. Mako feels like he has to, both because he asked and also because he didn't know.
And he feels like he should have. There's so much there. Maybe Wu never asked about Mako, but Mako never asked about Wu either, really. Didn't feel like he had to because Wu is so free with this things, but obviously there are things he missed. ]
For what it's worth, [ because this is all he knows to say, here, this is the only thing Mako feels he can offer ] I'm going to do everything I can to make sure nothing happens to you. Or that if it does, you'll be okay afterwards. I don't like to make promises I can't keep, but. I promise you that.
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[ His arms drop, the tension leeching from his limbs. Slowly, he walks back over to Mako, dropping down next to him. ] Your turn. How do you feel? About dying? And don't dodge it this time.
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[ Mako says, almost frustrated, as he flops back hard against the couch. It bounces a bit underneath him, firm like most fancy couches are. ] I mean. Not great. I wish I hadn't died, but that doesn't do anything.
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[ His lips flicker in a smile ] But, it wouldn't be bothering you so much if it was just "not great." So, how about, what does "not great" mean?
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It's not that he feels nothing about it. He feels awful about it. He keeps waking up and being surprised that he did, keeps expecting the other shoe to drop, or for some mistake to be made. Runs through it over and over in his own head, trying to pinpoint what he did wrong, what he can do better to make sure it doesn't happen again. It's hard to run through the mistakes that got you killed.
But he doesn't know how to say any of that, still doesn't fully know the point of saying any of that. Mako's looking at the ceiling instead of at Wu, because he can't handle the questions on his face.
He has to start somewhere. Maybe he'll just tell Wu some of that, and it will be fine, and he'll stop asking. ]
I just.
I can't stop thinking about it.
[ The words are halting, pulled off his tongue like shards of glass. He bites hard around them, scowling, his arms crossed and his shoulders hunched like he's warding something off. ] I messed up, Wu. And I died because of it. Right before he killed me his voice got so soft, and I was so messed-up about Korra that I didn't even notice the sparks. I could've gotten away.
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[ He sucks in a shaky breath, sits up a bit straighter and says to the opposite wall: ] If it's my fault, I can learn from it. If it's random, what am I supposed to do with that? I just died, and there was no meaning behind it and the fact that I can't stop thinking about how it felt means nothing.
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You were a cop, didn't you see pointless pain and hurt doing that? It, it doesn't make what you're feeling any less important if it was random.
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