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Bolin shrugs, slightly helpless. Okay maybe a lot helpless.

"And I was too stupid to see it! Mako, if I'd have found out sooner.. if I'd have seen anything real while I was out there instead of.. of delivering peace parcels then.. I don't. I don't know, I could have stopped it years earlier!"

"Bolin!" Mako sort of snaps, more out of worry than anger, reaching out to yank his brother's head around so he can meet his eyes. "You can't seriously think you're singlehandedly responsible for not stopping Kuvira."

"Well not.. singlehandedly but.." what is he saying.

Has he ever actually put this all together before? Has he ever put this guilt to words? Has he ever sat down to tear himself apart and really, carefully think about his hand in what happened? The opportunities for impact he missed. The truth he couldn't see, too busy helping and living in the moment. Kuvira knew that. Banked on that. Kept him rosy because he would be useful later. If he had just paid closer attention. If he had just thought critically about what was going on. Like how Mako does. If he'd just been more like Mako..

"If I had just listened to Opal, maybe.." he finishes his thought aloud. Bolin's mind is racing so fast his head hurts, full of new realisations and painful truths. Maybe he really does blame hiself singlehandedly. He wanted to do good and he didn't. He wanted to make change and peace and willingly drove his part in anything but. Oh my god, I was a monster.

It's written all over his face, yanked and held in Mako's hands, eyes wide with horror. With disgust. All that pain, all those people dead, the city, Asami's dad, the benders in concentration camps, so many people. Mako almost died. Bolin was the man on the inside and he didn't even think about it. It's heavy. It's too heavy. He can't take it.

When he speaks next it is a whisper. Capsize the boat. Let him drown.

"What have I done?"

Edited 2021-11-05 03:08 (UTC)

"You didn't do this," Mako says again, maybe too forgiving. Maybe he's always been too forgiving: maybe there's no bridge too far, nothing Bolin could really do to pull him from Mako's good graces. Maybe Mako gives him too much leeway, maybe this is on him—

But he can't watch his brother crumble like this, can't let him take on the weight of the world and all its awfulness because that's Mako's job: he bears up under burdens and lets Bolin chase after his dreams. That's how it should be. He pulls Bolin a little closer, hating the expression on his face.

"Listen to me," he says, low and urgent, meeting his gaze and holding it tight, "maybe you could've figured things out a little sooner. Maybe you trusted Kuvira a little too much, but what if doesn't change anything and Kuvira is responsible for her own actions, alright? You're not the person who made that spirit weapon. You're not the one who aimed it at people. You didn't cause a war, Bolin."

The kneejerk when you're upset is to insist the opposite of whatever the person trying to help you says. That's just how it is. But when he goes to open his mouth and say yes I did! he hears it before putting thought to voice and stops himself.

No. He didn't start the war. That is insane. That is actual crazy talk and he knows better than to fly off past upset into mindless dramatics. That just isn't the kind of person he is.

Bolin takes a breath and lets it out, slow and shaky, anchoring himself to the moment and his brother. It's not a time for bad puns, but it's ironic that he's the earthbender and Mako is the rock that holds everything together. And maybe it's stupid but that's what crosses his mind and it's enough to do the job.

"No.. no, you're right. You're right, I don't know what came over me."

Another breath and he signals that he's okay. Mako can let go. His eyes are wet and stinging and there's a shudder in his chest he's only just able to keep down, but he has to pull it together. This whole thing really swept him up, what a blindside.

"You... never really talked about it," Mako notes quietly, and doesn't quite let go. He never could bring himself to when Bolin would cry. A panicked sort of fire would light in his chest and he'd do anything to fix it, anything to make it stop. In those early days, just the two of them, Mako felt so inadequate reaching for all the things their parents used to do, their mother's songs and their dad's stories and both of their assurances that everything would be alright. Mako would press his tiny fingers where larger ones should have been and tug Bolin close and whisper things he didn't believe just to make him stop crying.

That old impulse still lives in him, a glowing coal of worry in his belly that never really goes out. Bolin is his little brother, and Mako will always want to make him stop crying.

He drops his hands to Bolin's shoulders instead, rock-steady things that they are.

"After the war, I mean." he continues as ravens cry rusty around them.

Which one, he almost huffs. The one involving home grown terrorism and an Equalist coup? The civil war with the Northern Water Tribe and a Dark Avatar that almost ruined their world and the spirit world? The one in which The Red Lotus killed the Earth Queen and threw the whole world into chaos again setting the stage for Kuvira? Or Kuvira herself when she took that power and ran her golden vision of unification in the wake of tragedy into violent, extremist dictatorship. And after all of that? He came here. Into a dreamworld apocalypse and now a brand new world run by ancient, powerful beings and blooming with even more problems. When, Mako? When would he talk about it.

It's not like Bolin has been waiting in trenches to fight to the death so he doesn't feel like he has much to talk about. Mako was there too and he isn't complaining. Why would he?

He hasn't been in corpse strewn battle fields, what right does he have to be upset. What right does he have to think about how that might affect him. How can he sit down and think about all the times he nearly died - all the times he would have died if someone hadn't saved him. About the people he's hurt in the heat of battle and the people who have hurt him and his loved ones.. They lived, didn't they? If he thinks about that darkness too much it will consume him. Better to just.. set that aside in a cave and not poke it too much.

Even now that he's directly confronted with it.. look how upset Mako is getting. He doesn't want that. Mako always takes the brunt of everything for him and it isn't fair to keep presenting him with problems and bad feelings. Which... really just makes more bad feelings and argh! It's a mess.

So he plays dumb. He's good at that.

"Well.. what's there to say? We got through it."

Sometimes the seeds you planted grow terrible, bitter-tasting fruit.

Those words could have come straight from Mako's own mouth. They have come straight from Mako's mouth, back when Korra disappeared, when he died and the world spun slightly off its axis. When Wu died, and Mako realized exactly how powerless he was in the face of everything Deerington and its inhabitants could do to each other. He'd snapped them at half the people who tried to tell him to deal with his own feelings until Kristoff had sat him down and told him he was being an idiot and even then—

Hearing it from Bolin's mouth is different. Mako still believes it. He knows the world is an unfair place and that feelings don't change anything: he can hate the injustice and that won't make it any less present. He can miss their parents, but that doesn't bring them back. Getting food into their hands mattered. Putting a roof over their heads mattered. Mako's personal feelings about stealing from someone? About ducking his head against Zolt's smooth words, accepting that he was becoming exactly the kind of person who killed their parents?

Irrelevant.

But he's never applied the same measure to himself as he does to Bolin, and so he reaches out, focused on his brother as always, which means they're never going to get off this river because Mako won't ever bring his own problems to the table while he has Bolin's to solve. He squeezes Bolin's shoulder again, sadness welling up hard and fast, tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"It matters what you think about it," he says, quiet and earnest, a crack in a rock that has stood for centuries. Maybe, sometimes, feelings do matter. "Matters to me."

See that? That right there? Break's Bolin's big, bleeding heart. So much so that it wipes the wind out of his deflection sails and he sighs.

There's a moment where looking Mako in the eye is so overwhelming that he glances back out to the bank and immediately regrets it. Why is all of this so hard and awful! Is this even the place to be talking about it? Probably. He doesn't want to... but probably.

And Bolin not wanting to talk about something is.. hm. But this is a big deal and it's Mako and it's complicated even though it should be the easiest thing in the world.

He takes a breath and looks back, sighing slowly.

"It's just.. it's a lot. You know, you were there. I mean, I try.. I try really hard not to let anything bother me but when you put it all down together it's one thing after another and it's staring you in the face like.. Well, like that-" he says and gestures to the riverbank without looking again.

"It's difficult to acknowledge the part I played in hurting so many people. I really thought I was doing something worthy and giving back and really helping the world. So much that it put a wedge between me and everyone I care about and in the end I was wrong."

Another pause to breathe. Get to the point, Bolin.

"I just. I feel stupid. And naive."

"You were pretty naive," brutal, maybe, but Mako isn't going to pull punches. Not with this. It doesn't help Bolin any to tell him he didn't fuck up when he so obviously did, even it if hurts him. Mako sucks in a breath, making himself look back up Asami-and-Korra, twined together and rotting there. "It... sucks. Hurting people, even when you didn't mean to. The reason doesn't matter. Even if you thought you were doing something good, and helping, if you hurt someone you care about in the process—" he pauses as a raven cries out, rusty and echoing off rock and water.

Maybe he's never talked with Bolin about this. Maybe that's the problem.

"You, uh. You know after I broke up with Korra, when I was... living at the office?"

He nods, ready to move off his own jagged truths and talk about something else. He's hoping this means talking about something else. It is what it is. It hurts and it festers and it aches but at the end of the day it's just another layer of their shitty past settling on top of them like a snowdrift.

Maybe come spring that snow will melt a little and won't feel so heavy. He sure hopes so.

"I'm still not totally sure why you did that but.. yeah?"

"Because I was trying to hide from shit," Mako says tersely, watching their bodies sway together, rotten and awful. "Because I hurt both of my best friends really badly, and I didn't want to face up to what I did, and it ended up hurting them more. I... spun up this whole thing in my head about how they probably didn't want to see me and even if they thought they did they were just being nice, and how it was better if I just... let them drift away. But that wasn't even what I was doing. I was pushing them away because then I didn't have to deal with any of it. And it didn't help. At all."

Bolin listens, nodding softly. That had been such a mess and to be honest it's amazing Mako made it out alive.

"I guess it probably didn't help when Korra lost her memories and forgot you broke up."

He sure remembers that. He sure remembers keeping his mouth firmly s h u t on that one.

Mako winces at the reminder. "Yeah. It... didn't. What was I supposed to do? I mean. Tell the truth, but everyone was... I didn't want to have that conversation in front of everyone. It was stupid. The whole thing was... stupid."

Bolin hums in agreement and nods solemnly.

"It was, but I'm not sure what else you could have done. That definitely wasn't a conversation to have in front of everyone... but for what it's worth it all worked out in the end and now everyone is happy. So you can't beat yourself up about it."

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