arclightning | deerlybeloved

I can finish it tomorrow.

[ Mako, uncharacteristically, sort of hesitates in the doorway, taking in the little lump of Fritter curled up at the end of the bed, the pleasant light from the lamp next to Wu's bed.

Maybe he shoudn't have come up here. Wu's kind of looking like he'd rather Mako not have, but Mako's already here, and this is important, somehow. Mako already has the impression he got it wrong. He scans Wu's face, noting the damp curl of his hair sticking to his cheek (cute) and the flush on the bridge of his nose and the fever-haze in his eyes. ]

Are you feeling okay?

Uh, yeah! I mean, no. I mean, no worse than a few hours ago.

[ When Mako sat with him through lunch and they watched a dumb mover together before Mako went back to working and Wu took a nap.

He looks down at his phone, then sets it aside, pushing himself up in bed. He can act normal. Like he didn't say anything stupid. So he smiles at Mako, reaching out a hand for him. Mako's his boyfriend now, not Asami or Korra's. ]

You okay, big guy? You can come in.

[ Seeing as they're sharing this room, at least for now, it's not even really Wu's room anymore. ]

Edited 2021-03-29 02:29 (UTC)

[ There is no universe in which Mako is anything close to okay, for many reasons. He's doing an alright job of shoving everything away, locking himself up because he doesn't have the time or luxury of dealing with any of it right now.

That's not new.

But that's also not what Wu's asking about. Mako hesitates a moment longer, then steps forward, letting the door fall shut. He curls his fingers into Wu's outstretched hand when he's close enough, sinks down onto the bed, contemplating his answer.

Wu looks nervous. There's a tightness to his smile he only gets when he's worried about something, and he won't quite meet Mako's gaze.

Mako sucks in a breath, and opts for honesty. ]

Kind of worried about the thing you wrote. About Korra and Asami.

[ Right to it, then. Wu lets out a breath, looking down at their hands. He won't lie and say it doesn't feel good when Mako holds his hand like this. It makes those anxious feelings tamp down a little.

Having time to think really is awful. It makes his mind spin, thinking about anything else to stop himself from thinking about dying, over and over again, how he tried to get away, how he couldn't get through to Sam, how he pretended to value his palace to protect himself, and it didn't even work. ]

Oh. That. Um, what about that? I dunno, Mako, they're really impressive dames.

Who I broke up with.

[ And Asami isn't even here.

Mako gets it, he thinks—Wu said he was jealous, and if you look at them on the surface, even Mako kind of doesn't believe that he got to date either of them. He'd been so desperate to prove that he had anything at all to offer Asami when they were dating, had wondered the whole time what he was doing and when it would end. ]

Well, yes.

[ That is a fair argument. Wu frowns, running his thumb over Mako's hand, which is so cool in his. His fever hasn't broken yet, making his skin sticky and sweaty and this is not at all when they should be having this conversation. He's pretty sure if he said that, Mako would back off, but this feels important. ]

I guess it's that they're the only other people you've dated. And I, [ don't think I measure up.

He wrinkles his nose. ]

You...

[ Mako hesitates, watching his face. There is a strange kind of silence around them, a waiting thing, snapping with tension. Mako feels like anything he says could make this worse, but it's the first hint that Wu is feeling this way. ]

What. Feel inadequate because I've dated other people?

That's not--

[ Wu sighs. He's not even sure what he means. He shakes his head, looking up at Mako with a smile that's only a little bit fake. ]

It's fine, Mako! I'm fine. I'm not fine. I feel awful.

[ He wishes it wasn't awful to kiss Mako right now, because that would distract both of them. ]

Just too much time to think. I miss baking.

[ Some of Mako's tension softens at those words. He knows what it's like to be trapped in a room with nothing but your own thoughts circling like racooncrows, taking up too much space at not enough all at once.

It figures Wu would have the same thing happen. They are, Mako thinks, more similar than he'd ever thought possible.

Even if he can see the edge in that smile. Carefully, he drags his thumb over the back of Wu's hand and shifts further onto the bed, making it dip under his weight, his eyes on Wu's face. ]

You're not fine. What's really going on with this, Wu? Come on.

[ Wu looks away from his face again, cheeks hot, too hot. His thoughts had been spiraling, thinking about Asami and Korra and Mako and himself. How Mako didn't really like him, before. How suddenly, after Wu kisses him, tells him he loves him, then Mako apparently likes him back? It's all too easy, all too good to be true, and Wu didn't question it before now because this is what he wanted. He wanted Mako to like him. He wanted Mako to take him on dates, to kiss him, to put him first for a reason other than duty.

He doesn't know how to say any of it. He doesn't think he should question it. Mako can make his own decisions, and it isn't up to Wu to decide why Mako can do what he does. He just wants that reassurance that Mako actually likes him, that he isn't just convenient. It's not like he even has anything to offer Mako. He isn't a King here, he isn't rich, here. He's just Wu, and sure, he has a big house, but so does Mako.

He wishes he could stop worrying and just lean into Mako, accept what Mako says to him. ]

Just, um.

[ What does he even say? His mind is sluggish, words not coming easily. ]

I don't know why you, um, like me?

[ He grimaces. That isn't really it. But it is a question he has. Why the change of heart on Wu of all people? ]

I don't know, Wu.

[ Mako watches him quietly, his brow furrowed as he tries to make sense of what Wu's saying.

He wants to know why Mako likes him.

Which means he isn't sure why Mako likes him.

It's so at-odds with the overly-confident version of Wu Mako met at first, who was sure everyone would like him just because he was there. But Mako thinks about the memory, about Wu tiny and alone in the palace, about the grins that never quite reached his eyes and his leading line, always (some spin on his status, some mention of being royalty).

They'd talked about it in that chilly gazebo, with Wu's hand twined into his. About all the people who wanted Wu because of what he was, because of what he could offer them. Money and status and a name to drop into other conversations.

A few months ago, Mako probably would have scowled at him and asked what kind of question that was, why Mako likes him.

But he understands Wu better now, and he knows how bad he himself is at talking about any of that stuff, and more than that he knows what it's like when the thoughts you don't want to have are too loud to ignore. ]

What, do you want me to make you a list?

...kind of.

[ Wu wrinkles his nose, glad that Mako isn't brushing him off. The fact that there could be a list, of things that Mako likes about him, does help. He just wants to know that this isn't a fluke, that he isn't in this so much more than Mako is.

He glances up at Mako now. He wants to smooth out the frown on his face, wants to kiss it away. He put it there, and he wishes he hadn't asked. ]

You, um. You changed your mind so quickly. A few months ago, you were scared of being with a guy and now you're with me and that's, that.

[ It's hard. It's hard to keep up with Mako's shifting emotions, to clock where he's at. Wu needs to know how people feel about him, so he can act correctly, so he can be who they need him to be. ]

I mean.

[ There is a beat, during which Mako hesitates, watching him, his brows still furrowed, his head ticking. He is the same way, of course: that's why his mind is always running, always trying to figure people out. It's harder to calibrate himself when he doesn't know what people want (and there is, almost always, something people want). Safer to figure out what people are expecting from him so that if he defies it at least he knows he's doing it, and if he has to play into it, he can.

His mouth twists, slightly. ]

I do make a lot of lists. I could do that, if you really wanted it.

[ Will that help ease some of the worry on Wu's face? Mako hates seeing him like this. Sick and tired is one thing, and the reason still chases his dreams every night, which is why he's barely been sleeping and is probably too tired for this conversation. Sick, tired, and worried about the way Mako feels about him is worse.

And the list thing is really not the issue here, Mako realizes. The second part of what Wu said is the part that matters, the part of his words that stick to him like pins, poking into his head. Mako shifts a bit closer and the bed dips under his knee as he nudges it into Wu's covered leg. ]

Do you think I'm not still... scared? Of being with a guy? Because believe me, I am.

[ Those words hurt. They stick in his ribs like something barbed.

He's still scared. Of course he's still scared. Why would Wu think he's not?

Because he's with me. He kisses me, he sort of told me he loves me, Wu's mind whirs, trying to make sense of it all.

If he's still scared, why do it at all? ]

You are? I don't... why, then?

You're worth it.

[ The words slip out almost before Mako is aware of them, but the weight they carry can't be ignored: they fall into the space between Mako and Wu and sit there, bright and true and real.

Mako meets green, fever-hazed eyes for a moment before his gaze skips away, his mouth twisting up with the rest of the words. His own ears feel hot. He feels like Wu can see right through him, like there are eyes in the sky again, staring down at him, small and here and vulnerable, afraid every night, barely clinging to the few good things he has left. Wu is one of them. Wu has been one of them for a long time. ]

[ Well, that isn't what he expected.

Mako is cute when he's flustered, and Wu leans in a little more, something settling in him. He trusts Mako. He trusts him, but these thoughts take over sometimes. He needs the reassurance. He needs to know that Mako cares about him. ]

Oh.

[ That isn't nearly good enough, but Wu isn't sure what to say to that. It feels like there's more there, something precious and fragile, and he wants to let Mako say it, whatever it is. ]

[ It's in there, somewhere.

Mako has trouble pulling the words into something real, sometimes. They sit on his tongue, crowd up behind his teeth, but he's always been careful of what he says, has always tried (when he has the space, when his emotions are ballooning up too large and fast for him to handle) to consider what he says. He knows he isn't good at this, and maybe that's half the problem, here.

Slowly, he makes himself meet Wu's eyes again. His hair is curling up, unstyled. Mako really does like it better like this. It makes Wu look less coiffed, less perfect, less like a king and more like the soft, funny, ridiculous person he really is.

Mako's heart thuds up into his throat. ]

Yeah.

[ A beat. Something swells, nervous and warm, in Mako's belly. It would be so easy to say the wrong thing here, to break the fragile quiet stretched between them, to send Wu back into his worried spiral. How many times has Mako done that? He knows how clumsy he can be with these things, how easy it is to let his feelings get the better of him. He watches Wu with bated breath, pulling apart the strands of his own thoughts until he can weave them into something that makes sense: Wu is watching him, Wu is nervous, Wu thinks he changed his mind. ]

Korra asked me something, when I told her. She wanted to know whether I was thinking this way back in Republic City, and it made me realize that I... kind of was. I missed you. When you weren't in the city anymore.

[ He's talking less to Wu and more to Wu's knee, too aware of his own words and the quiet sound of his own voice, his fingers curling into Wu's hand and the covers both. ]

When you came back and Beifong said I was on guard duty again, I was—I mean. It was really good to see. Really good. It was kind of weird.

I missed you too.

[ It's easy to say. Of course he missed Mako. He wrote him all the time, telling him the things that were happening in Ba Sing Se, sending him lyrics. Nothing too important, nothing about his fears or worries, but the easy things they used to do together.

He thought it was just him. ]

You didn't seem happy. To see me.

[ But does Mako ever seem happy? Mako helped him. Mako caught him when he fainted, Mako helped him prepare his speech. Mako was there for him. Mako is always there for him. But maybe it's for a different reason he thought. ]

[ Mako makes a frustrated little sound, glancing for a moment over at Wu's dresser, at the curtains hanging heavy. ]

Well, I was. We got smoothies, of course I was glad to see you. I just couldn't figure out why I missed you so much. I thought it was just because I was used to you, but that wouldn't explain—I don't know.

Wouldn't explain... what?

[ Wu knows he's digging a little too deep, now, but he just wants to know. He wants to have it all out there, he wants to know everything Mako will tell him, so he can make that voice in the back of his head shut up. Mako is trying, he's really trying, and Wu knows how hard that is for him.

He squeezes Mako's hand tighter. Maybe he can help. ]

I, are you saying that you felt, ah, sort of like this, then?

Well, I wasn't in love with you, then.

[ Again, said quickly, before Mako can really pick up on the depth of his own words. ]

But. Yeah, something like that.

[ Wu sucks in a breath.

Why does Mako have to be like this? Why does he have to talk around things, make things seem obvious when they're not?

He sort of told Wu that he loves him, a few days ago. The people I love, he'd said. Now he says he wasn't in love with Wu then. The implication is clear, but Wu doesn't want to assume, doesn't want to be wrong.

But he's pretty sure. 98% sure.

So he smiles, leaning in even more so his face is bare inches from Mako's, fingers slipping onto his thigh. It isn't as hot or sexy as Wu wishes it was, seeing as he's sick and everything, but he can still tease Mako. Maybe that'll be easier than the tension of this conversation. ]

Oh, you weren't then, were you? Ah... so what are you now?

[ Wu is leaning closer. Smiling, so Mako can't have done anything too wrong, although his own words are hitting him now and that heat is creeping up his neck, prickling along his skin.

Wu is very close. Mako can feel his fever-heat, makes himself meet Wu's green, green eyes. His hair really is a mess, sweat-damp and wild from his pillows. One curl slips over his eye, almost a perfect circle.

Slowly, with gentle fingers, Mako reaches up to push it into the mass of his bangs. It really is soft. ]

Now, I think you're pretty incredible.

[ Strange, how easy it is to say that. Strange how the words bubble up and stay, how much Mako means them, how easy it is to lean in and push a kiss to the corner of Wu's mouth, slow and sweet. ]

[ That isn't what Wu was expecting, but it still makes him feel warm, in a good way, not in the feverish way. He leans into the kiss, his eyes fluttering shut.

He still doesn't know where that comes from, why Mako would feel that way about him, but he won't question it, not now. Those words are almost better. Almost. ]

I think you're pretty incredible too.

[ He kisses Mako again, staying close ]

Thank you. I, ah, got in my head.

I know the feeling.

[ Mako kisses him again, slow and sweet, and pulls back before it gets intense, because Wu is sick and this is not about that. This is about Wu, being nervous about the grounds of their relationship and Mako doing a bad job telling Wu how he feels.

Apparently. Wu's still watching him, hazy-eyed and soft, looking a little rueful, and all Mako can do is tug him into a one-armed hug, pushing his face into Wu's hair as nerves flutter in his belly. ]

And I know— [ his words are breath, pressed quietly into the top of Wu's head ] —you're sick, and you're probably overthinking things, but. I love you, Wu.

deerlybeloved

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