(One day he'll get bett-- no, no he won't. Eddie was too much of a teenager tangled up in the extremely weird crosshairs of being raised and bred among 1950s slang and 2000s meme humor. He was never going to speak reasonably ever again.
He'd be glad to know he's responsible for introducing someone to Barbie though.
But oof wow okay. This was a whole Thing to unpack. He remembers when he had killed Mako, how when he came back he warned him about how hard this place could be, how complicated.)
yeah i figured they woke up when their names werent anywhere to be found anymore. in the fluid, i mean.
(Dead end service. The coldest wake-up call of all. No pun even intended.)
do you know who HP lovecraft is? if you don't, i highly recommend trying to see if you can scrounge up any of his books from whats left of the bookstore or library. might be tough but it's stuff like from one of his books. just weird abomination of monsters. a lot of them look like bugs but some are massive. there's other stuff in the fog i don't know don't be surprised if we get sick or something i don't know
cant feel the sun? shit. okay. yeah that makes sense. i cant tell where im going either looks like we're both thrown off our game here. okay. so no sun. no directions.
i know a few people like that. tell him to do patrols around the house or something. sounds like busy work but there's gonna be plenty for him to patrol for soon enough
oh. yeah. (So Mako finally had to go through that. Eddie doesn't reply for a long time.) the first time's always the worst. i'm sorry. richie just died too. death is terrible here. but he's okay though - wu is, right?
i won't lie. i don't know much about what's happening anymore lately. i'm not really with it myself. what sleeper? was it maul during that whole colossal breakdown he had
yeah.
chloe's gone.
(That is ...the hardest thing he has had to type ever. Two words. Heaviest punch. Richie vanishing was terrible but he had, in some ways, gotten used to that too. But Chloe had been around for as long as he had. Years. They had a promise that they'd never leave each other the way everyone else did but she...Broke that promise. Only he tried not to think of it like that. He didn't think she'd break it if she had the choice. Something bigger than them took her from him.
He realizes he's just been holding his phone numbly and he shakes himself - literally- pinching at his own skin to wake himself up.)
Listen to me right now. don't falter at all. with anything right now. not now. if there's a time to be strong ever it's literally right now. buck up or shut the fuck up, you know? just. you need to do that for me, okay? i know we're not friends but if i lose any of you at the end of this dream collapsing, i swear to god i'll hunt you all down i will
we need to all collectively stick together during this. when we wake up we can throw our shit at each other all over again or whatever but right now we need to focus. this happened to me back home It fucked with us and tried to split us apart cause It knew we were weaker apart but we're not gonna let that happen here. im not gonna let that happen here.
so. yeah. they're all gone. but we're not gone. you're not gone. i'm not gone. your brother and wu aren't gone. richie's not gone. count the names and say them religiously because that's all we're gonna have for a while. focus on who's still here because focusing on who's left isn't gonna do anyone any favors least of all you
[ There is a lot there. There is a lot and there is more than a lot because most of it hits like an earthdisc, knocks the wind right out of Mako. He sits down heavy at his own desk, lets the weight of those written words wash over him like Yue Bay's tides over worn bare feet. He and Bolin used to sit in the surf and let the sting of the salt chase away the days running over hot pavement chasing down Triple Threat bets and scraps of food. If they were lucky they'd find a few small oysterclams, toast them right there on the beach.
It was a balm, and one Mako sort of wishes he had right now. The damp, awful mist curling into his bones is a poor substitute for the Mo Ce Sea.
Chloe would have liked it, probably. Less complicated than Arcadia Bay. Chloe might have liked Republic City in general, full of possibilty and life and breath. She'd have made her mark on it, would have gotten on amazingly with Asami. Mako had vague dreams about inviting her there if he could ever find a way to make it happen. She'd have to live without her hair dye, probably, but he still thought she would like it.
In the last few days he has caught himself thinking about her several times, wondering what she'd say to distract from his research or whether some of these complex equations would make any sense to her eyes, because they certainly don't to his. She is right there with his parents and Kristoff, hovering just over his shoulder, out of reach.
Mako cannot imagine what Eddie is feeling.
Probably how he would feel if he lost Bolin for good. ]
Might be too late not to falter.
[ The words are typed before Mako can think better of it, and he stares at them, blinking back up at him, and decides to send them against his better judgment. He wouldn't, normally. But Eddie doesn't sound okay either. ]
I took Wu's deathflu. After he died. Some of it, not all of it, and then I passed out for two days and I don't think it was the deathflu. It felt different. I don't know what it was, but when I woke up I realized how much I was running away from thinking about any of this stuff. Chloe and Kristoff. Wu dying. I watched it happen, to get rid of the ghost.
He's okay now, but he wasn't for a while, and I wasn't either. I don't know. This place messes with your head. You know that.
Chloe is gone, and I don't know what to do with that except keep going. I just can't keep going the way I was. I couldn't even be there for Wu because I was working, and he was recovering from dying. I messed up, working too hard.
But you're right. That's what I messed up, I think. I forgot that if we stick together, we're a force to be reckoned with, even though the only thing this place ever tries to do is isolate us and make us turn on each other.
So. I'm not going to give up, and I'm not going to let you down. Chloe would probably yell at me if I did.
Anyway. Maybe it's weird, considering
But I consider you a friend.
And I'll be here for you as much as I can be. I don't want to promise anything I can't keep, but I can promise you that.
cw: drug abuse / severe mental health / child death
(Chloe would have liked anywhere Eddie was and where they could just be themselves, easy and secure in knowing they never had to go back home. Even Deerington had become a quiet paradise for them in its own strange way and every single day since Chloe has been gone, Eddie's had panic attacks at the idea that she had wound up back home. Like Eddie, that had been her greatest fear in Deerington. Both of them had too much to lose back home.
Now he didn't know where she was at all. He tried hard to be religious about Her. He would talk to her in the kitchen, talk to her while he was working on things in the medbay. He couldn't text her number anymore, but sometimes he would pull up a worddoc and type up the same rambling messages he would send her. He liked to think she'd one day show up again and he'd scream at her for hours and hours and then force her to read every single anxious-drawl he's had since she's been gone. He's missed her so much that there was nothing to even really say about it because it surpassed basic emotion and sank into feeling like he lost another limb.
She had promised she would never leave and she did. It was a child's heartbreak of realizing not all promises could be kept forever and it had aged Eddie in ways nothing else had. He could forget all of his friends from Derry, but he couldn't forget Chloe, no matter how many meds he pumped into his system. He hadn't even gone back to their old home. Walking by her room hurt too much. It was easier to just stay in the Goodbye Home. More practical too.
He's only really spoken to Richie about this. And VL to some extent but it was so hard. He's chewing on a pill or two without even realizing it and his mouth hurts, gums hurt, and everything hurt. But a few minutes later and things were pleasantly fuzzy and soft.
He doesn't know how to tell Mako that he shouldn't be friends with Eddie. There were so many good reasons to just leave him to rot in a gutter like his friends do. It's where I belong.)
guess youre right but we can try.
jesus, mako. are you okay? do you need medicine or anything?
im sorry. that you saw it happen. (That...wasn't easy either. He immediately thinks of Will and then that crippling shame and guilt. But that hadn't been a ghost. He'd just been there. He had been the one who tried to pump blood out of Will's body when it was too late. He was there trying to get them out of the car. Saw the life drain out of him and saw it at least once a week in his dreams. Just like everything else in this fucking town. God, he was so tired.
Or maybe that was just the crushed-up pills making him dizzy.)
no. youl never be able to keep going the way you have. youvw got a permanent mental limp now. there's no getting better from it and i wont pretend like there is.
and if wu doesnt hold it against you you need to not hold it against yourself either. that shit will fucking eat you alive. im telling you like i did before you just it'\s easier when you all realize that this place is deadly. no one can prevent it. it wouldnt have mattered if you wernt working too hard it wouldnt haveve mattered if you guys were attached at the hip you cant predict the future and even if you did, this place has a habit of making the future catch you off guard even then.
lettig the guilt of this place bury you isn't fair. it's not fair to you and it isnt fair to wu. you guys still have each other so just try and focus on that but i know it can be hafrd
thas why this place odes it. it knows wer'e all stronger togwthter than apart.
She fuckn woiuld
(Eddie focus dude. ON THE LETTERS.)
nah dont do that to yourself man you deserve better friends than me cmon
it's fine. promises are big deal for me. you dont gotta make any to me
Edited (forgot HTML for like half of this oops) 2021-05-14 04:41 (UTC)
It does have a way of getting into the cracks. I don't think I realized they were cracks.
Or, maybe, I'm not.
This is hard to explain.
I wasn't allowed to have cracks, at home. I couldn't, or that would be it for us, you know? I still don't think it's the best thing, to give Deerington more weapons, but I'm getting the idea that I can't actually help it, and that thinking that might be giving Deerington an even bigger weapon, so. I don't know what to do with that, either.
Wu doesn't hold it against me. He's a good person.
They're a big deal for me, too. I don't like to make promises that I can't keep, but I can keep that one. As long as I have the power to do that, and stand together with you and everyone else, I will.
Anyway, what do you know about the kinds of friends I deserve? I think I get to pick that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
He'd be glad to know he's responsible for introducing someone to Barbie though.
But oof wow okay. This was a whole Thing to unpack. He remembers when he had killed Mako, how when he came back he warned him about how hard this place could be, how complicated.)
yeah i figured they woke up when their names werent anywhere to be found anymore. in the fluid, i mean.
(Dead end service. The coldest wake-up call of all. No pun even intended.)
do you know who HP lovecraft is? if you don't, i highly recommend trying to see if you can scrounge up any of his books from whats left of the bookstore or library. might be tough
but it's stuff like from one of his books. just weird abomination of monsters. a lot of them look like bugs but some are massive. there's other stuff in the fog
i don't know
don't be surprised if we get
sick or
something
i don't know
cant feel the sun? shit. okay. yeah
that makes sense. i cant tell where im going either
looks like we're both thrown off our game here.
okay. so no sun. no directions.
i know a few people like that. tell him to do patrols around the house or something. sounds like busy work but there's gonna be plenty for him to patrol for soon enough
oh. yeah. (So Mako finally had to go through that. Eddie doesn't reply for a long time.) the first time's always the worst. i'm sorry. richie just died too. death is
terrible here. but he's okay though - wu is, right?
i won't lie. i don't know much about what's happening anymore lately. i'm not really with it myself. what sleeper? was it maul during that whole colossal breakdown he had
yeah.
chloe's gone.
(That is ...the hardest thing he has had to type ever. Two words. Heaviest punch. Richie vanishing was terrible but he had, in some ways, gotten used to that too. But Chloe had been around for as long as he had. Years. They had a promise that they'd never leave each other the way everyone else did but she...Broke that promise. Only he tried not to think of it like that. He didn't think she'd break it if she had the choice. Something bigger than them took her from him.
He realizes he's just been holding his phone numbly and he shakes himself - literally- pinching at his own skin to wake himself up.)
Listen to me right now. don't falter at all. with anything right now. not now. if there's a time to be strong ever it's literally right now. buck up or shut the fuck up, you know? just. you need to do that for me, okay? i know we're not friends but if i lose any of you at the end of this dream collapsing, i swear to god i'll hunt you all down
i will
we need to all collectively stick together during this. when we wake up we can throw our shit at each other all over again or whatever but right now we need to focus. this happened to me back home
It fucked with us and tried to split us apart cause It knew we were weaker apart
but we're not gonna let that happen here. im not gonna let that happen here.
so. yeah. they're all gone. but we're not gone. you're not gone. i'm not gone. your brother and wu aren't gone. richie's not gone. count the names and say them religiously because that's all we're gonna have for a while. focus on who's still here because focusing on who's left isn't gonna do anyone any favors least of all you
no subject
It was a balm, and one Mako sort of wishes he had right now. The damp, awful mist curling into his bones is a poor substitute for the Mo Ce Sea.
Chloe would have liked it, probably. Less complicated than Arcadia Bay. Chloe might have liked Republic City in general, full of possibilty and life and breath. She'd have made her mark on it, would have gotten on amazingly with Asami. Mako had vague dreams about inviting her there if he could ever find a way to make it happen. She'd have to live without her hair dye, probably, but he still thought she would like it.
In the last few days he has caught himself thinking about her several times, wondering what she'd say to distract from his research or whether some of these complex equations would make any sense to her eyes, because they certainly don't to his. She is right there with his parents and Kristoff, hovering just over his shoulder, out of reach.
Mako cannot imagine what Eddie is feeling.
Probably how he would feel if he lost Bolin for good. ]
Might be too late not to falter.
[ The words are typed before Mako can think better of it, and he stares at them, blinking back up at him, and decides to send them against his better judgment. He wouldn't, normally. But Eddie doesn't sound okay either. ]
I took Wu's deathflu. After he died. Some of it, not all of it, and then I passed out for two days and I don't think it was the deathflu. It felt different. I don't know what it was, but when I woke up I realized how much I was running away from thinking about any of this stuff. Chloe and Kristoff. Wu dying. I watched it happen, to get rid of the ghost.
He's okay now, but he wasn't for a while, and I wasn't either. I don't know. This place messes with your head. You know that.
Chloe is gone, and I don't know what to do with that except keep going. I just can't keep going the way I was. I couldn't even be there for Wu because I was working, and he was recovering from dying. I messed up, working too hard.
But you're right. That's what I messed up, I think. I forgot that if we stick together, we're a force to be reckoned with, even though the only thing this place ever tries to do is isolate us and make us turn on each other.
So. I'm not going to give up, and I'm not going to let you down. Chloe would probably yell at me if I did.
Anyway. Maybe it's weird, considering
But I consider you a friend.
And I'll be here for you as much as I can be. I don't want to promise anything I can't keep, but I can promise you that.
cw: drug abuse / severe mental health / child death
Now he didn't know where she was at all. He tried hard to be religious about Her. He would talk to her in the kitchen, talk to her while he was working on things in the medbay. He couldn't text her number anymore, but sometimes he would pull up a worddoc and type up the same rambling messages he would send her. He liked to think she'd one day show up again and he'd scream at her for hours and hours and then force her to read every single anxious-drawl he's had since she's been gone. He's missed her so much that there was nothing to even really say about it because it surpassed basic emotion and sank into feeling like he lost another limb.
She had promised she would never leave and she did. It was a child's heartbreak of realizing not all promises could be kept forever and it had aged Eddie in ways nothing else had. He could forget all of his friends from Derry, but he couldn't forget Chloe, no matter how many meds he pumped into his system. He hadn't even gone back to their old home. Walking by her room hurt too much. It was easier to just stay in the Goodbye Home. More practical too.
He's only really spoken to Richie about this. And VL to some extent but it was so hard. He's chewing on a pill or two without even realizing it and his mouth hurts, gums hurt, and everything hurt. But a few minutes later and things were pleasantly fuzzy and soft.
He doesn't know how to tell Mako that he shouldn't be friends with Eddie. There were so many good reasons to just leave him to rot in a gutter like his friends do. It's where I belong.)
guess youre right but we can try.
jesus, mako. are you okay? do you need medicine or anything?
im sorry. that you saw it happen. (That...wasn't easy either. He immediately thinks of Will and then that crippling shame and guilt. But that hadn't been a ghost. He'd just been there. He had been the one who tried to pump blood out of Will's body when it was too late. He was there trying to get them out of the car. Saw the life drain out of him and saw it at least once a week in his dreams. Just like everything else in this fucking town. God, he was so tired.
Or maybe that was just the crushed-up pills making him dizzy.)
no. youl never be able to keep going the way you have. youvw got a permanent mental limp now. there's no getting better from it and i wont pretend like there is.
and if wu doesnt hold it against you you need to not hold it against yourself either. that shit will fucking eat you alive. im telling you
like i did before
you just
it'\s easier when you all realize that this place is deadly. no one can prevent it. it wouldnt have mattered if you wernt working too hard
it wouldnt haveve mattered if you guys were attached at the hip
you cant predict the future and even if you did, this place has a habit of making the future catch you off guard even then.
lettig the guilt of this place bury you isn't fair. it's not fair to you and it isnt fair to wu. you guys still have each other so just try and focus on that
but i know it can be hafrd
thas why this place odes it. it knows wer'e all stronger togwthter than apart.
She fuckn woiuld
(Eddie focus dude. ON THE LETTERS.)
nah dont do that to yourself man you deserve better friends than me
cmon
it's fine. promises are big deal for me. you dont gotta make any to me
no subject
I don't think I realized they were cracks.
Or, maybe, I'm not.
This is hard to explain.
I wasn't allowed to have cracks, at home. I couldn't, or that would be it for us, you know? I still don't think it's the best thing, to give Deerington more weapons, but I'm getting the idea that I can't actually help it, and that thinking that might be giving Deerington an even bigger weapon, so. I don't know what to do with that, either.
Wu doesn't hold it against me. He's a good person.
They're a big deal for me, too. I don't like to make promises that I can't keep, but I can keep that one. As long as I have the power to do that, and stand together with you and everyone else, I will.
Anyway, what do you know about the kinds of friends I deserve? I think I get to pick that.