(Chloe would have liked anywhere Eddie was and where they could just be themselves, easy and secure in knowing they never had to go back home. Even Deerington had become a quiet paradise for them in its own strange way and every single day since Chloe has been gone, Eddie's had panic attacks at the idea that she had wound up back home. Like Eddie, that had been her greatest fear in Deerington. Both of them had too much to lose back home.
Now he didn't know where she was at all. He tried hard to be religious about Her. He would talk to her in the kitchen, talk to her while he was working on things in the medbay. He couldn't text her number anymore, but sometimes he would pull up a worddoc and type up the same rambling messages he would send her. He liked to think she'd one day show up again and he'd scream at her for hours and hours and then force her to read every single anxious-drawl he's had since she's been gone. He's missed her so much that there was nothing to even really say about it because it surpassed basic emotion and sank into feeling like he lost another limb.
She had promised she would never leave and she did. It was a child's heartbreak of realizing not all promises could be kept forever and it had aged Eddie in ways nothing else had. He could forget all of his friends from Derry, but he couldn't forget Chloe, no matter how many meds he pumped into his system. He hadn't even gone back to their old home. Walking by her room hurt too much. It was easier to just stay in the Goodbye Home. More practical too.
He's only really spoken to Richie about this. And VL to some extent but it was so hard. He's chewing on a pill or two without even realizing it and his mouth hurts, gums hurt, and everything hurt. But a few minutes later and things were pleasantly fuzzy and soft.
He doesn't know how to tell Mako that he shouldn't be friends with Eddie. There were so many good reasons to just leave him to rot in a gutter like his friends do. It's where I belong.)
guess youre right but we can try.
jesus, mako. are you okay? do you need medicine or anything?
im sorry. that you saw it happen. (That...wasn't easy either. He immediately thinks of Will and then that crippling shame and guilt. But that hadn't been a ghost. He'd just been there. He had been the one who tried to pump blood out of Will's body when it was too late. He was there trying to get them out of the car. Saw the life drain out of him and saw it at least once a week in his dreams. Just like everything else in this fucking town. God, he was so tired.
Or maybe that was just the crushed-up pills making him dizzy.)
no. youl never be able to keep going the way you have. youvw got a permanent mental limp now. there's no getting better from it and i wont pretend like there is.
and if wu doesnt hold it against you you need to not hold it against yourself either. that shit will fucking eat you alive. im telling you like i did before you just it'\s easier when you all realize that this place is deadly. no one can prevent it. it wouldnt have mattered if you wernt working too hard it wouldnt haveve mattered if you guys were attached at the hip you cant predict the future and even if you did, this place has a habit of making the future catch you off guard even then.
lettig the guilt of this place bury you isn't fair. it's not fair to you and it isnt fair to wu. you guys still have each other so just try and focus on that but i know it can be hafrd
thas why this place odes it. it knows wer'e all stronger togwthter than apart.
She fuckn woiuld
(Eddie focus dude. ON THE LETTERS.)
nah dont do that to yourself man you deserve better friends than me cmon
it's fine. promises are big deal for me. you dont gotta make any to me
Edited (forgot HTML for like half of this oops) 2021-05-14 04:41 (UTC)
It does have a way of getting into the cracks. I don't think I realized they were cracks.
Or, maybe, I'm not.
This is hard to explain.
I wasn't allowed to have cracks, at home. I couldn't, or that would be it for us, you know? I still don't think it's the best thing, to give Deerington more weapons, but I'm getting the idea that I can't actually help it, and that thinking that might be giving Deerington an even bigger weapon, so. I don't know what to do with that, either.
Wu doesn't hold it against me. He's a good person.
They're a big deal for me, too. I don't like to make promises that I can't keep, but I can keep that one. As long as I have the power to do that, and stand together with you and everyone else, I will.
Anyway, what do you know about the kinds of friends I deserve? I think I get to pick that.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cw: drug abuse / severe mental health / child death
Now he didn't know where she was at all. He tried hard to be religious about Her. He would talk to her in the kitchen, talk to her while he was working on things in the medbay. He couldn't text her number anymore, but sometimes he would pull up a worddoc and type up the same rambling messages he would send her. He liked to think she'd one day show up again and he'd scream at her for hours and hours and then force her to read every single anxious-drawl he's had since she's been gone. He's missed her so much that there was nothing to even really say about it because it surpassed basic emotion and sank into feeling like he lost another limb.
She had promised she would never leave and she did. It was a child's heartbreak of realizing not all promises could be kept forever and it had aged Eddie in ways nothing else had. He could forget all of his friends from Derry, but he couldn't forget Chloe, no matter how many meds he pumped into his system. He hadn't even gone back to their old home. Walking by her room hurt too much. It was easier to just stay in the Goodbye Home. More practical too.
He's only really spoken to Richie about this. And VL to some extent but it was so hard. He's chewing on a pill or two without even realizing it and his mouth hurts, gums hurt, and everything hurt. But a few minutes later and things were pleasantly fuzzy and soft.
He doesn't know how to tell Mako that he shouldn't be friends with Eddie. There were so many good reasons to just leave him to rot in a gutter like his friends do. It's where I belong.)
guess youre right but we can try.
jesus, mako. are you okay? do you need medicine or anything?
im sorry. that you saw it happen. (That...wasn't easy either. He immediately thinks of Will and then that crippling shame and guilt. But that hadn't been a ghost. He'd just been there. He had been the one who tried to pump blood out of Will's body when it was too late. He was there trying to get them out of the car. Saw the life drain out of him and saw it at least once a week in his dreams. Just like everything else in this fucking town. God, he was so tired.
Or maybe that was just the crushed-up pills making him dizzy.)
no. youl never be able to keep going the way you have. youvw got a permanent mental limp now. there's no getting better from it and i wont pretend like there is.
and if wu doesnt hold it against you you need to not hold it against yourself either. that shit will fucking eat you alive. im telling you
like i did before
you just
it'\s easier when you all realize that this place is deadly. no one can prevent it. it wouldnt have mattered if you wernt working too hard
it wouldnt haveve mattered if you guys were attached at the hip
you cant predict the future and even if you did, this place has a habit of making the future catch you off guard even then.
lettig the guilt of this place bury you isn't fair. it's not fair to you and it isnt fair to wu. you guys still have each other so just try and focus on that
but i know it can be hafrd
thas why this place odes it. it knows wer'e all stronger togwthter than apart.
She fuckn woiuld
(Eddie focus dude. ON THE LETTERS.)
nah dont do that to yourself man you deserve better friends than me
cmon
it's fine. promises are big deal for me. you dont gotta make any to me
no subject
I don't think I realized they were cracks.
Or, maybe, I'm not.
This is hard to explain.
I wasn't allowed to have cracks, at home. I couldn't, or that would be it for us, you know? I still don't think it's the best thing, to give Deerington more weapons, but I'm getting the idea that I can't actually help it, and that thinking that might be giving Deerington an even bigger weapon, so. I don't know what to do with that, either.
Wu doesn't hold it against me. He's a good person.
They're a big deal for me, too. I don't like to make promises that I can't keep, but I can keep that one. As long as I have the power to do that, and stand together with you and everyone else, I will.
Anyway, what do you know about the kinds of friends I deserve? I think I get to pick that.