[ Nevermind that she... actually... does investigate things exactly like Nancy Drew or that he won't even understand that reference, it's fine.
Four people is a lot of soup though and despite her anger, there's a sound of an amused chuckle being muffled on her end, that she cuts off quickly. There's a somber sort of silence after, because he's right. This place does have a tendency to do that. And not everyone had experience with dying and combing back before in their homes. ]
Yeah. It does. I know the flu sucks ass, but no one ever really owns up to how fucked up coming back from something like that is in general.
[ A shaky little breath that forms even more static over the line echoes, and then there is rustling and Mako's voice, oddly quiet. ] ...yeah. I don't know how to deal with it. Honestly. I don't know how you get used to it. There has to be a way.
[ She knows maybe that's not the most helpful and comforting thing to say, but she figures he doesn't need to be kept from the reality of it. No one should be. ]
It doesn't get easier. People pretend it does or try and wave it off as no big deal because everyone comes back here, so who cares? But the coming back is worse. Especially if you're from a place where it's not supposed to happen. Sometimes I think it's one of the cruelest thing Sodder does to people here.
[ He's fresh off talking with Wu about this, too, feels a little raw at the edges.
And there's something else. Something he feels obligated, somehow to tell Chloe, even though it's making his stomach coil up with tension. ]
It seems so wrong. You shouldn't be able to remember how it feels. I shouldn't be here, but I'm talking to you. How do you—I don't know. Stop thinking about it?
[ Chloe doesn't mean to snort, but it escapes her before she can stop it. That was... a lot bitchier than she intended for it to be. ]
Sorry. I just... I haven't figured that one out entirely. [ She wishes she had a better answer, and it comes through in her tone. ] Distractions. Time heals all wounds supposedly, but chances are, you're gonna have it happen again, and it'll all get dragged up. Every time.
[ She pauses, debating adding anything else, and picks at her jeans for a moment. She takes a deep breath finally, pushing forward, even if she's sure she should've just ended it there. ]
Having someone around helps the most. Not being alone. Physical contact? Hard as that can be sometimes. It helps to remind you you really are alive and the positive feelings can sometimes override the memories of the pain.
[ Mako snorts right back, a dark kind of sound. ] Great, that's just what I wanted to hear. Guess it's hard for time to heal a wound that keeps opening.
[ It kind of helps to know that Chloe's not used to to it.
It had helped, too, talking about it with Wu. Hugging him. Mako keeps thinking back on it wondering why he was okay with it, but it was like he couldn't make himself stop. Maybe Chloe's right on the nose with that bit. ]
There's, um. There's something I should tell you. Actually. About it.
[ There's some noise that might be something close to apologetic for not having a better reply. Honesty is always appreciated, but it hardly ever hits in a comforting way.
Just like she's pretty sure whatever he's got to tell her isn't going to either. She lets out a small sigh. ]
[ Oh, man. This is harder even than he thought it would be. Mako sucks in an audible breath, runs his fingers through his hair. ] I know who did it. Watched him do it.
[ Chloe’s quiet for a moment after he says Eddie’s name. There’s no gasp of shock or immediate denial or her insisting he has to be mistaken because... Well, she knows he’s not. ]
I figured. [ Her voice is quiet, admitting something like that feeling extremely awkward. ] I mean, after Raleigh started asking me about what I thought about Eddie as a person, I could put two and two together on who he was pissed at for murdering people.
[ There’s an extremely tired sigh that makes its way out of her and she goes to light another cigarette. ]
Yeah, Raleigh really, uh. Blew things up. Wu's mad at me for not telling him, too.
[ He is too sick to remember if he's told Chloe about Wu, much less that Wu is now here. Mako sucks in another stabilizing breath, a rustle of static on the line followed by the crunch of fabric. ]
I have. Yeah. He was possessed, he said. I know Deerington can... make you do things that you would never normally do. Happened in the trench.
[ Chloe has no idea who Wu is but makes a mental note to ask about him later if he's close enough to get pissed about Mako not owning up to dying.
The whole conversation makes her feel nauseous, but she's gotten better about not running away from the things that make her uncomfortable. ]
... Yeah. It can. [ There's a beat before she decides to be honest: ] We've both killed each other before. Eddie was a monster when he killed me, so I think it made it easier to disconnect from it all. But I— ... I wasn't. Deerington just... got in my head and fucked with what was already there.
[ She swallows roughly before rubbing at her face. ]
Point is, you start to recognize when it's the town versus when it's just some psycho. Sometimes it makes it a little easier, since at least you know you weren't just putting your trust in the wrong person.
[ Mako winces a little. At the reminder that Deerington can do that, at the reminder that there is a lot in both of them, really, to exploit. ]
I can't blame him. Not really. He said the exact same thing happened. Something got in there, used what was there, made him do that. I should've been more careful. Realized something was off, or.
[ But that isn't even the point. The point of telling her at all, besides Mako feeling like he owed to Chloe to do so, was to get a gauge on her reaction. To see if he's correct in not blaming Eddie, in internalizing the whole thing. It sounds like he is, to his ears. ]
Did it, uh. Did it mess with your relationship with him, at all?
[ It's probably the quickest and firmest answer she's ever given in her life. She's got no hesitation when it comes to Eddie. The one relationship she's never really had to question. ]
We both are torn up about inside, that's no question. But we don't let it get between us. We made a promise to never let this place tear us apart and we're going to keep it. No matter what.
[ She plays with the scar on one of her hands from where she made the pact with Eddie after he'd come back, before letting out a tired laugh. ]
We got more fucked up by acknowledging I wasn't a kid anymore than we did by killing each other. I know it sounds crazy. But it's ... It's how you survive here. You have to learn to fight your kneejerk reactions, that instinct to blame, or it'll just eat you alive. And you won't have anyone there for you when it's finally your turn to suffer.
[ From Mako's end of the line, there is a long, long silence while Chloe's words settle. He's glad she called. So far—of everyone talking to him, of everything they've said about dealing with his emotions, Chloe is the only one who's experienced it, who thinks like he does. Who's providing a template, maybe, for how to handle the storm churning him up.
His voice, when he finally speaks, is rough, raw-edged with pain. ]
I'm getting the idea that some point, I'm going to do something I regret.
[ Mako swallows. Fists his fingers into his own blanket. ]
Something I regret more. Than the things I already do.
That's what scares me, Chloe. Not—not the death. The death is messed-up, I know that, but it isn't the first time I've almost died and it probably won't be the last, but I know Eddie didn't mean it, and that means at some point I won't mean it, and I don't—
[ God, she hates how much his own voice mirrors the emotions she always feels around all of this. She's starting to really recognize just how much the two of them have in common, how similarly they look at the world, and there's no denying how overwhelming that can be. Especially in times like this.
She takes a deep inhalation from the cigarette, letting it out in a long sigh, mostly to steady herself before she even tries to talk. ]
You will. You're right. It's inevitable. Maybe you'll be lucky and it won't be as bad as what I did or what Eddie's done, but you'll get someone hurt, or you'll fail to help them, or you'll do something to make it worse without meaning to. It doesn't matter how hard we fight it, this place targets our worst fears and has a field day with them.
And you'll probably fall apart after. And you'll try push people away, especially the ones who wanna give you the constant chorus of "It's not your fault, it wasn't you, it's okay" because somehow that's fucking worse. And you'll do whatever you can to make sure that you don't ever hurt anyone again, but it's not gonna do anything to make the guilt go away, it might not even prevent it from happening again no matter how hard you try, but... You'll survive it. The way we survive everything else. And you'll tuck it away in some corner of your mind, compartmentalize or whatever the fuck my therapist called it, and things will... go back to normal. At least as normal as they can until it happens again.
[ She pauses, mouth scrunched, and there's the sound of her flicking ash off her cigarette into a soda can. ]
Personally, once I'm done being a little bitch about it all, I take it all out on the shit in the junkyard. Y'know, if you... ever wanna join me or something.
[ Long silences, indeed. Mako lets that settle. Tries to imagine asking someone to do it, if things got bad, and is glad, suddenly for Chloe, and for her understanding. ]
...yeah. If it comes to that, that would be the best thing to do. I don't know if I could...
[ She gives a small grunt of sorts of acknowledgement. Mercy killing isn't exactly the easiest of conversations and his agreement to it was at least all she was really looking for. ]
Piles of flammable shit. Pyromaniacs wet dream, probably. Flame dream? That feels less contradictory.
[ Mako snorts darkly to himself, a huff of breath that makes static crackle along the line. ]
Sounds perfect.
[ Literally all he wants to do is set things on fire. Especially since he feels like he's burning up from the inside right now. Fever isn't fun when you've never had one before. ]
[ There's the sound of her keys jingling on the other end as she grabs them. ]
I'll be there in like fifteen minutes. You gonna need help sneaking out? I'm sure you've got a whole gaggle of people telling you to stay in bed and rest.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Nevermind that she... actually... does investigate things exactly like Nancy Drew or that he won't even understand that reference, it's fine.
Four people is a lot of soup though and despite her anger, there's a sound of an amused chuckle being muffled on her end, that she cuts off quickly. There's a somber sort of silence after, because he's right. This place does have a tendency to do that. And not everyone had experience with dying and combing back before in their homes. ]
Yeah. It does. I know the flu sucks ass, but no one ever really owns up to how fucked up coming back from something like that is in general.
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[ She knows maybe that's not the most helpful and comforting thing to say, but she figures he doesn't need to be kept from the reality of it. No one should be. ]
It doesn't get easier. People pretend it does or try and wave it off as no big deal because everyone comes back here, so who cares? But the coming back is worse. Especially if you're from a place where it's not supposed to happen. Sometimes I think it's one of the cruelest thing Sodder does to people here.
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[ He's fresh off talking with Wu about this, too, feels a little raw at the edges.
And there's something else. Something he feels obligated, somehow to tell Chloe, even though it's making his stomach coil up with tension. ]
It seems so wrong. You shouldn't be able to remember how it feels. I shouldn't be here, but I'm talking to you. How do you—I don't know. Stop thinking about it?
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Sorry. I just... I haven't figured that one out entirely. [ She wishes she had a better answer, and it comes through in her tone. ] Distractions. Time heals all wounds supposedly, but chances are, you're gonna have it happen again, and it'll all get dragged up. Every time.
[ She pauses, debating adding anything else, and picks at her jeans for a moment. She takes a deep breath finally, pushing forward, even if she's sure she should've just ended it there. ]
Having someone around helps the most. Not being alone. Physical contact? Hard as that can be sometimes. It helps to remind you you really are alive and the positive feelings can sometimes override the memories of the pain.
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[ It kind of helps to know that Chloe's not used to to it.
It had helped, too, talking about it with Wu. Hugging him. Mako keeps thinking back on it wondering why he was okay with it, but it was like he couldn't make himself stop. Maybe Chloe's right on the nose with that bit. ]
There's, um. There's something I should tell you. Actually. About it.
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Just like she's pretty sure whatever he's got to tell her isn't going to either. She lets out a small sigh. ]
That's always a promising lead in. What's up?
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[ Oh, man. This is harder even than he thought it would be. Mako sucks in an audible breath, runs his fingers through his hair. ] I know who did it. Watched him do it.
[ A long, long pause. ]
Eddie.
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I figured. [ Her voice is quiet, admitting something like that feeling extremely awkward. ] I mean, after Raleigh started asking me about what I thought about Eddie as a person, I could put two and two together on who he was pissed at for murdering people.
[ There’s an extremely tired sigh that makes its way out of her and she goes to light another cigarette. ]
You talk to him?
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[ He is too sick to remember if he's told Chloe about Wu, much less that Wu is now here. Mako sucks in another stabilizing breath, a rustle of static on the line followed by the crunch of fabric. ]
I have. Yeah. He was possessed, he said. I know Deerington can... make you do things that you would never normally do. Happened in the trench.
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The whole conversation makes her feel nauseous, but she's gotten better about not running away from the things that make her uncomfortable. ]
... Yeah. It can. [ There's a beat before she decides to be honest: ] We've both killed each other before. Eddie was a monster when he killed me, so I think it made it easier to disconnect from it all. But I— ... I wasn't. Deerington just... got in my head and fucked with what was already there.
[ She swallows roughly before rubbing at her face. ]
Point is, you start to recognize when it's the town versus when it's just some psycho. Sometimes it makes it a little easier, since at least you know you weren't just putting your trust in the wrong person.
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I can't blame him. Not really. He said the exact same thing happened. Something got in there, used what was there, made him do that. I should've been more careful. Realized something was off, or.
[ But that isn't even the point. The point of telling her at all, besides Mako feeling like he owed to Chloe to do so, was to get a gauge on her reaction. To see if he's correct in not blaming Eddie, in internalizing the whole thing. It sounds like he is, to his ears. ]
Did it, uh. Did it mess with your relationship with him, at all?
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[ It's probably the quickest and firmest answer she's ever given in her life. She's got no hesitation when it comes to Eddie. The one relationship she's never really had to question. ]
We both are torn up about inside, that's no question. But we don't let it get between us. We made a promise to never let this place tear us apart and we're going to keep it. No matter what.
[ She plays with the scar on one of her hands from where she made the pact with Eddie after he'd come back, before letting out a tired laugh. ]
We got more fucked up by acknowledging I wasn't a kid anymore than we did by killing each other. I know it sounds crazy. But it's ... It's how you survive here. You have to learn to fight your kneejerk reactions, that instinct to blame, or it'll just eat you alive. And you won't have anyone there for you when it's finally your turn to suffer.
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His voice, when he finally speaks, is rough, raw-edged with pain. ]
I'm getting the idea that some point, I'm going to do something I regret.
[ Mako swallows. Fists his fingers into his own blanket. ]
Something I regret more. Than the things I already do.
That's what scares me, Chloe. Not—not the death. The death is messed-up, I know that, but it isn't the first time I've almost died and it probably won't be the last, but I know Eddie didn't mean it, and that means at some point I won't mean it, and I don't—
—how do I.
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She takes a deep inhalation from the cigarette, letting it out in a long sigh, mostly to steady herself before she even tries to talk. ]
You will. You're right. It's inevitable. Maybe you'll be lucky and it won't be as bad as what I did or what Eddie's done, but you'll get someone hurt, or you'll fail to help them, or you'll do something to make it worse without meaning to. It doesn't matter how hard we fight it, this place targets our worst fears and has a field day with them.
And you'll probably fall apart after. And you'll try push people away, especially the ones who wanna give you the constant chorus of "It's not your fault, it wasn't you, it's okay" because somehow that's fucking worse. And you'll do whatever you can to make sure that you don't ever hurt anyone again, but it's not gonna do anything to make the guilt go away, it might not even prevent it from happening again no matter how hard you try, but... You'll survive it. The way we survive everything else. And you'll tuck it away in some corner of your mind, compartmentalize or whatever the fuck my therapist called it, and things will... go back to normal. At least as normal as they can until it happens again.
[ She pauses, mouth scrunched, and there's the sound of her flicking ash off her cigarette into a soda can. ]
Personally, once I'm done being a little bitch about it all, I take it all out on the shit in the junkyard. Y'know, if you... ever wanna join me or something.
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[ There is a very, very long pause, during which Mako tries very hard to remove the rough-edged uncertainty from his voice, and largely fails. ]
What if I hurt Bolin? Or you?
[ He drags in a shaky breath, curses quietly. ]
Maybe the junkyard is a good idea.
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If... If it looks like you're going to hurt people, I promise I'll do whatever I can to stop you.
You want me to pick you up?
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...yeah. If it comes to that, that would be the best thing to do. I don't know if I could...
[ He swallows, and goes quiet. ]
Is there anything I can set on fire?
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Piles of flammable shit. Pyromaniacs wet dream, probably. Flame dream? That feels less contradictory.
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[ Mako snorts darkly to himself, a huff of breath that makes static crackle along the line. ]
Sounds perfect.
[ Literally all he wants to do is set things on fire. Especially since he feels like he's burning up from the inside right now. Fever isn't fun when you've never had one before. ]
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[ There's the sound of her keys jingling on the other end as she grabs them. ]
I'll be there in like fifteen minutes. You gonna need help sneaking out? I'm sure you've got a whole gaggle of people telling you to stay in bed and rest.
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[ Thank you Chloe you get him, save him from this soft, comforting, kind hell. ]
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[ She gives him a wink before going to shut off her end of the feed. ]