[ Mako winces a little. At the reminder that Deerington can do that, at the reminder that there is a lot in both of them, really, to exploit. ]
I can't blame him. Not really. He said the exact same thing happened. Something got in there, used what was there, made him do that. I should've been more careful. Realized something was off, or.
[ But that isn't even the point. The point of telling her at all, besides Mako feeling like he owed to Chloe to do so, was to get a gauge on her reaction. To see if he's correct in not blaming Eddie, in internalizing the whole thing. It sounds like he is, to his ears. ]
Did it, uh. Did it mess with your relationship with him, at all?
[ It's probably the quickest and firmest answer she's ever given in her life. She's got no hesitation when it comes to Eddie. The one relationship she's never really had to question. ]
We both are torn up about inside, that's no question. But we don't let it get between us. We made a promise to never let this place tear us apart and we're going to keep it. No matter what.
[ She plays with the scar on one of her hands from where she made the pact with Eddie after he'd come back, before letting out a tired laugh. ]
We got more fucked up by acknowledging I wasn't a kid anymore than we did by killing each other. I know it sounds crazy. But it's ... It's how you survive here. You have to learn to fight your kneejerk reactions, that instinct to blame, or it'll just eat you alive. And you won't have anyone there for you when it's finally your turn to suffer.
[ From Mako's end of the line, there is a long, long silence while Chloe's words settle. He's glad she called. So far—of everyone talking to him, of everything they've said about dealing with his emotions, Chloe is the only one who's experienced it, who thinks like he does. Who's providing a template, maybe, for how to handle the storm churning him up.
His voice, when he finally speaks, is rough, raw-edged with pain. ]
I'm getting the idea that some point, I'm going to do something I regret.
[ Mako swallows. Fists his fingers into his own blanket. ]
Something I regret more. Than the things I already do.
That's what scares me, Chloe. Not—not the death. The death is messed-up, I know that, but it isn't the first time I've almost died and it probably won't be the last, but I know Eddie didn't mean it, and that means at some point I won't mean it, and I don't—
[ God, she hates how much his own voice mirrors the emotions she always feels around all of this. She's starting to really recognize just how much the two of them have in common, how similarly they look at the world, and there's no denying how overwhelming that can be. Especially in times like this.
She takes a deep inhalation from the cigarette, letting it out in a long sigh, mostly to steady herself before she even tries to talk. ]
You will. You're right. It's inevitable. Maybe you'll be lucky and it won't be as bad as what I did or what Eddie's done, but you'll get someone hurt, or you'll fail to help them, or you'll do something to make it worse without meaning to. It doesn't matter how hard we fight it, this place targets our worst fears and has a field day with them.
And you'll probably fall apart after. And you'll try push people away, especially the ones who wanna give you the constant chorus of "It's not your fault, it wasn't you, it's okay" because somehow that's fucking worse. And you'll do whatever you can to make sure that you don't ever hurt anyone again, but it's not gonna do anything to make the guilt go away, it might not even prevent it from happening again no matter how hard you try, but... You'll survive it. The way we survive everything else. And you'll tuck it away in some corner of your mind, compartmentalize or whatever the fuck my therapist called it, and things will... go back to normal. At least as normal as they can until it happens again.
[ She pauses, mouth scrunched, and there's the sound of her flicking ash off her cigarette into a soda can. ]
Personally, once I'm done being a little bitch about it all, I take it all out on the shit in the junkyard. Y'know, if you... ever wanna join me or something.
[ Long silences, indeed. Mako lets that settle. Tries to imagine asking someone to do it, if things got bad, and is glad, suddenly for Chloe, and for her understanding. ]
...yeah. If it comes to that, that would be the best thing to do. I don't know if I could...
[ She gives a small grunt of sorts of acknowledgement. Mercy killing isn't exactly the easiest of conversations and his agreement to it was at least all she was really looking for. ]
Piles of flammable shit. Pyromaniacs wet dream, probably. Flame dream? That feels less contradictory.
[ Mako snorts darkly to himself, a huff of breath that makes static crackle along the line. ]
Sounds perfect.
[ Literally all he wants to do is set things on fire. Especially since he feels like he's burning up from the inside right now. Fever isn't fun when you've never had one before. ]
[ There's the sound of her keys jingling on the other end as she grabs them. ]
I'll be there in like fifteen minutes. You gonna need help sneaking out? I'm sure you've got a whole gaggle of people telling you to stay in bed and rest.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I can't blame him. Not really. He said the exact same thing happened. Something got in there, used what was there, made him do that. I should've been more careful. Realized something was off, or.
[ But that isn't even the point. The point of telling her at all, besides Mako feeling like he owed to Chloe to do so, was to get a gauge on her reaction. To see if he's correct in not blaming Eddie, in internalizing the whole thing. It sounds like he is, to his ears. ]
Did it, uh. Did it mess with your relationship with him, at all?
no subject
[ It's probably the quickest and firmest answer she's ever given in her life. She's got no hesitation when it comes to Eddie. The one relationship she's never really had to question. ]
We both are torn up about inside, that's no question. But we don't let it get between us. We made a promise to never let this place tear us apart and we're going to keep it. No matter what.
[ She plays with the scar on one of her hands from where she made the pact with Eddie after he'd come back, before letting out a tired laugh. ]
We got more fucked up by acknowledging I wasn't a kid anymore than we did by killing each other. I know it sounds crazy. But it's ... It's how you survive here. You have to learn to fight your kneejerk reactions, that instinct to blame, or it'll just eat you alive. And you won't have anyone there for you when it's finally your turn to suffer.
no subject
His voice, when he finally speaks, is rough, raw-edged with pain. ]
I'm getting the idea that some point, I'm going to do something I regret.
[ Mako swallows. Fists his fingers into his own blanket. ]
Something I regret more. Than the things I already do.
That's what scares me, Chloe. Not—not the death. The death is messed-up, I know that, but it isn't the first time I've almost died and it probably won't be the last, but I know Eddie didn't mean it, and that means at some point I won't mean it, and I don't—
—how do I.
no subject
She takes a deep inhalation from the cigarette, letting it out in a long sigh, mostly to steady herself before she even tries to talk. ]
You will. You're right. It's inevitable. Maybe you'll be lucky and it won't be as bad as what I did or what Eddie's done, but you'll get someone hurt, or you'll fail to help them, or you'll do something to make it worse without meaning to. It doesn't matter how hard we fight it, this place targets our worst fears and has a field day with them.
And you'll probably fall apart after. And you'll try push people away, especially the ones who wanna give you the constant chorus of "It's not your fault, it wasn't you, it's okay" because somehow that's fucking worse. And you'll do whatever you can to make sure that you don't ever hurt anyone again, but it's not gonna do anything to make the guilt go away, it might not even prevent it from happening again no matter how hard you try, but... You'll survive it. The way we survive everything else. And you'll tuck it away in some corner of your mind, compartmentalize or whatever the fuck my therapist called it, and things will... go back to normal. At least as normal as they can until it happens again.
[ She pauses, mouth scrunched, and there's the sound of her flicking ash off her cigarette into a soda can. ]
Personally, once I'm done being a little bitch about it all, I take it all out on the shit in the junkyard. Y'know, if you... ever wanna join me or something.
no subject
[ There is a very, very long pause, during which Mako tries very hard to remove the rough-edged uncertainty from his voice, and largely fails. ]
What if I hurt Bolin? Or you?
[ He drags in a shaky breath, curses quietly. ]
Maybe the junkyard is a good idea.
no subject
If... If it looks like you're going to hurt people, I promise I'll do whatever I can to stop you.
You want me to pick you up?
no subject
...yeah. If it comes to that, that would be the best thing to do. I don't know if I could...
[ He swallows, and goes quiet. ]
Is there anything I can set on fire?
no subject
Piles of flammable shit. Pyromaniacs wet dream, probably. Flame dream? That feels less contradictory.
no subject
[ Mako snorts darkly to himself, a huff of breath that makes static crackle along the line. ]
Sounds perfect.
[ Literally all he wants to do is set things on fire. Especially since he feels like he's burning up from the inside right now. Fever isn't fun when you've never had one before. ]
no subject
[ There's the sound of her keys jingling on the other end as she grabs them. ]
I'll be there in like fifteen minutes. You gonna need help sneaking out? I'm sure you've got a whole gaggle of people telling you to stay in bed and rest.
no subject
[ Thank you Chloe you get him, save him from this soft, comforting, kind hell. ]
no subject
[ She gives him a wink before going to shut off her end of the feed. ]